I think the question I arrive to and cannot answer is “what solves it”? Concerning mental health people want to kill-themselves everyday and even now. The gospel is The Truth and Hope namely Christ Himself and I quote that wholeheartedly believing it. But the scandal is how you can still arrive to it and you still want to utterly die everyday on this planet that may as well be forsaken.
I can reach for any vanity; gaming, music, content creation, reading, writing, and concerning prayer and spiritual matters it’s these times I have no unction nor desire to pray to God or read words that are to me cold orthodoxy and utterly insufferable. God forbid you have access to Him and His Word and what do you get? Darkness, despair and incurable emotional and mental pain along with mental crucifixion.
The True God of the universe if I wasn’t such a coward and the fear of damnation I would utterly off myself I would make it to where the body couldn’t be found so there’s no ashes and further money wasted for any burial and my request would have no open wake because me probably being in hell would probably rage all the more that now I’m “missed” when on my time alive here on earth I couldn’t understand why anyone in the absolute hell would want me here.
I’m not worth loving nor do I understand it and my core being is the object of such affront and sin to creation itself that devils laugh when I’m awake and angels mourn. Yea such is the case in my reasoning.
God infuriates me and makes me bitter there’s nobody who understands wouldn’t make sense and it still wouldn’t if I died and never asked to be understood in the first place I just wanted peace but even knowing God won’t give you that so either 1. I’m a liar or 2. God is or 3. I’m merely deceived and God is incapable of lying so the lots are cast onto me.
The gospel has become the bad news, most people go to hell Jesus said it Himself. In my eyes like Martin Luther I hated the righteous God that punishes sinners I stand condemned for sin I didn’t commit at the beginning but by God when Adam fell we all inherit this nature none of us asked for.
I didn’t give permission nor was asked if I wanted birth it just happened. Waking up tired every damn day from ms oh God on high I’m not lying and swear upon every angelic being on high and every devil below these things make me want to be utterly alliterated into a mess.
He could fix me but he won’t the body and mind is under a curse he just sits in heaven and does nothing just looking at me. Yes like job I demand a hearing I have grievous things to tell him. I was reading in Genesis how it says He has a heart that grieves so in the days I ignore him and seek no communication with him it’s my own sought out rage at my attempt to put all of this accumulative suffering and hurt onto Him hoping He hurts like me. If I was given a hug I wouldn’t even want one I’m beyond it. I want answers I don’t want a damn hug or food like Elijah he woke up to or the He leaves the 99 jargon and American evangelical jargon I want answers.
Oh wait they don’t arrive because he just sits there and ordains my suffering gets my hopes up only to sheerly disappointment me in the end. The hatred and bitterness I feel there is no found vocabulary found to tell but the only psychical representation I could have is it to slit both my veins and when found bleeding out I can only utter “He didn’t answer me.”
He forsakes me in my time of need and energy every day just about I call for help and I’m left alone and I’d rather be killed than for me to utter the joy of the lord is my strength and I’m not Job either where he says though he kill me I will trust Him. No I don’t trust the one who can save but also damn my soul, there is no lifting of hands in worship because I think the worst blasphemy in my case is serving and “praising” with a heart full of blasphemies and rage. So yes He has the power to kill me so do it but once again I’m to afraid to do it and always will be.
I am NOBODY. And there is nobody. I am alone in my own thoughts.
