No answers received nor I can give

I can reach for any vanity; gaming, music, content creation, reading, writing, and concerning prayer and spiritual matters it’s these times I have no unction nor desire to pray to God or read words that are to me cold orthodoxy and utterly insufferable.
God forbid you have access to Him and His Word and what do you get? Darkness, despair and incurable emotional and mental pain along with mental crucifixion.
The True God of the universe if I wasn’t such a coward and the fear of damnation I would utterly off myself I would make it to where the body couldn’t be found so there’s no ashes and further money wasted for any burial and my request would have no open wake because me probably being in hell would probably rage all the more that now I’m “missed” when on my time alive here on earth I couldn’t understand why anyone in the absolute hell would want me here.
I’m not worth loving nor do I understand it and my core being is the object of such affront and sin to creation itself that devils laugh when I’m awake and angels mourn.
Yea such is the case in my reasoning.

Out of the Temple of Aphrodite: Corinthian Shame Culture, Ancient Idolatry, and the Modern Debased Mind

To understand the weight of Paul’s words to the Corinthian church, you have to understand what Corinth actually was. This was not an ordinary Greco-Roman city with an ordinary amount of vice. Corinth had a reputation across the entire ancient Mediterranean world — the Greek verb korinthiazomai, “to Corinthianize,” literally meant to fornicate, to live debauched. That’s not a modern reading imposed backward onto the text; that’s a word that existed in the common vocabulary of the ancient world before Paul ever set foot there. Aristophanes used it centuries earlier. A city had become synonymous with sexual excess so thoroughly that its name turned into a verb for it.

Resentment

(Entry from yesterday.) If there was no hell I’d blow myself up, along with nobody with me. The only casualty is me and it’s not actually a casualty just a liability that’s been severed from this earth. If my experience with God is such so I don’t want heaven with him im not worthy in the first place and the thought of hell I can’t bear the work. Just let me die already

bitter while called & the scroll of lamentation mourning and woe

“The scroll demands the eater’s blood.” The reader’s own formulation is sound
biblical theology. To eat the scroll is to consent to be changed by it — to let a message of
lament become the substance of one’s inner life. The prophet who eats qinim va-hegeh
va-hi becomes a man who moans and wails; he is conformed to what he carries. This is
why Ezekiel’s very body becomes the message in the sign-acts: the internalization is so
total that the word is enacted in his flesh. The one who carries lament pays for it in his
own person — in sleeplessness, in bitterness, in the seven days of appalled silence,
ultimately (for the prophets and for Christ) in blood. The message of the cross is that
God Himself finally eats this scroll to the dregs: the Word made flesh consumes the full
bitterness of judgment in His own body on the tree. Every under-messenger who bleeds
for the word he carries is conformed to that pattern, not inventing a new one

Case Study: The Affliction-Assurance Complex

A Journal Entry Examined Hope in Madness — Clinical-Theological Case Series AI is obviously not a MD or a therapist but it has knowledge so I’ll use myself as a case lab rat of the writings that I do. I think it’ll help me understand myself even with the four horsemen coming closer every day […]

A terrifying night of a woven fabric of affliction

Around 3AM a year and a half ago alone desolate and forsaken by God in my mind. Had been hard to edit recalling how awful these moments were there are prob spell errors so be it. the promises of God in this night were dead to me just like mice gorging on my imagined lifeless corpse utterly dead and the soul in hell and the body totally rotten.

Where is the debater of this age? God has made foolish the wisdom of this world.

A Strong Word Before We Begin If you have ever walked away from a conversation about God feeling out-argued, embarrassed, or quietly afraid that the “smart people” have figured something out that leaves your faith looking naïve—this piece is for you. The aim here is not to help you win arguments or consign anyone to […]

THE LAW OF EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE

The opening narration of the series, spoken by Alphonse Elric, codifies this in language that has become iconic: “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world’s one, and only truth.”

I hate them with upmost hatred God don’t spare a single one of them.

does not become a soldier out of ambition or duty. He becomes a soldier because he has seen something that should not exist doing something that should not be permitted, and he wants it erased from the earth. “I’ll kill them all,” he says. “Every last one.”

Such is the same when I think of my mother on her last days she will will me devoured by death which comes for us all namely due to sin and Lucifer our fall in

The garden death entered the world and such is the object of my rage and tears at the devil in that day not at God it was never meant to be this way. Whenever I recall these things, my family passing away or possible friends there is no comfort and I’m beside myself

High stakes I’ll use everything.

I heard a very powerful sermon this morning at a funeral, of a distant family friend. Very spirit-filled, old-school Baptist preaching. What I have yearned to hear for a while now. I couldn’t help but start crying with a couple of things he was saying. He said some hard things concerning sin and how we […]