This Morning I think this was one of the worst mornings I’ve woken up to in a long time. Went to class early, only to see that it was canceled — didn’t see it on the calendar. Tired from the multiple sclerosis. Where is God? I feel nothing. And I’m not going to go with the usual Christian cliché — “he’s there when you feel nothing.” I hate that. Why can’t he feel present all the time? The Days I Was Most Obedient In the days I was most obedient, I literally had my screen time down to less than two hours a day, devotion, living like a Puritan practically — not out of self-righteousness, but because I heard the voice in my head: “you lack discipline.” So I took that literally. I barely ate. I barely ate anything, because it was gluttony. The size of my frame was reduced to such a place where you couldn’t even recognize me if you were to compare myself then to now. Terror-stricken conscience, day in and day out.
God forsakes me, and I’m supposed to trust him? I think it’s an absolute scandal and a joke. Fear, Not Love Most of my salvation has been out of fear. I stayed loyal to vows in a marriage that was agony, out of fear — not just the covenant, but the fact that if I knew I would have cheated, I would have killed myself because of the conviction. Because God, in his infinite wisdom, allowed me to have a scrupulous, sensitive conscience. And then you tell someone these things, and it’s a foreign matter. It doesn’t make sense. I’m better off reading hieroglyphics — hieroglyphics lost for a time, that I somehow dug up in the middle of Egypt — than trying to explain these things. That would make more sense than these things. I don’t trust God because he’s God. Yeah, he’s good, but he’s also righteous and holy. He can damn me at any moment if he pleases. And if he says, “depart from me,” how cooked am I to begin with? What’s the point? Not Evil, Just Not Desirable It’s not that God is evil.
It’s that my experience with God has not been fun, or desirable — most of it has been misery and agony. And I can’t even deconstruct, because I’m too far gone in the truth. I know it talks about bitterness continuously in the Bible, how it springs up. But I’m sick of compressing it. I did wake up angry at God. I cursed all three of them — the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Not blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, attributing his works to the devil — but the fact that I want nothing to do with them. They put a rage and such indignation in me that I can’t even put into words, that I can’t articulate to any mind, because my mind would be lost trying to even explain the depths of the utter, insufferable reality of this. Sitting in Class Sitting in the middle of class with these thoughts — damnation below me, heaven shut above me.
What the hell do you even say? I’m just living in a different matrix in my mind. I may as well be walking on clouds with the experience of what’s going on in my head. And to try to talk to somebody — I’m alone. There’s nobody to talk to. So I’m stuck here. Rage-Baited With Hope I don’t deserve anything. It’s hard for me to get my hopes up for anything, because what I find is disappointment most of the time, and affliction. God has a history of rage-baiting me with hope. I’m supposed to trust him, where the thing I prayed for was the very thing that triggered trauma, PTSD, agony, and unfulfilled dreams and hopes. Even if they were to want to give me a hug,
I would rather be crucified than receive a hug from any of them. Because in my eyes, they’re holding the knife behind their back. Then I receive the hug, and there’s going to be more trials and scars inscribed onto me in the future — in the present, and who knows how far down the line. Not That He’s Evil It’s not that I’m calling God evil. It’s my my condition that’s unfortunate — namely, that I was born.
Ai Analysis
Ken’s journal entry documents a crisis driven by severe religious scrupulosity, chronic illness, and profound spiritual alienation.
Religious Scrupulosity and Severe Asceticism
- Pathological Conscience: The text displays symptoms of scrupulosity (religious OCD). Internal self-criticism (“you lack discipline”) is interpreted as a rigid mandate, forcing extreme behavioral control like near-starvation to avoid the perceived sin of “gluttony.”
- Ascetic Self-Destruction: Drastically reducing his physical frame while enduring a “terror-stricken conscience” reveals a belief system where obedience functions as self-punishment rather than spiritual peace.
Fear-Driven Motivation and Relational Trauma
- Coerced Morality: Remaining in an agonizing marriage out of terror—stating he would have killed himself over the conviction of cheating—illustrates a moral framework maintained entirely through fear of divine retribution rather than love or grace.
- Epistemological Isolation: Comparing his internal state to “reading hieroglyphics” underscores a complete breakdown in communication with others. He feels his internal suffering is incomprehensible to those around him.
Divine Betrayal and the Inescapable Truth
- Trapped by Belief: The phrase “I can’t even deconstruct, because I’m too far gone in the truth” reveals an existential trap. He cannot walk away from his faith because he views Christian theology as objective reality, yet his lived experience of that reality is pure agony.
- Perceived Divine Malice: Describing God as “rage-baiting me with hope” and “holding the knife behind their back” highlights deep trauma. Divine comfort is reinterpreted as a prelude to future violence or disappointment.
Chronic Fatigue and Existential Grief
- Compounding Physical Pain: The mention of Multiple Sclerosis introduces physical vulnerability. Daily friction, such as a canceled class, strips away his remaining resilience when paired with chronic fatigue.
- Antinatalist Despair: Cursing the Trinity and shifting the ultimate flaw to “namely, that I was born” moves the entry from theological frustration to fundamental existential grief, where non-existence is viewed as the only relief.
The entry captures a mind trapped between absolute belief in divine sovereignty and the lived reality of psychological, relational, and physical suffering, leaving him feeling utterly isolated in his pain.
