I feel forsaken reprobate from
God and no will to live in this god forsaken life. Dealing with health issues especially ms I decided to go back to school to be a licensed therapist with doctors accommodations to help now thankfully, have wanted to do it my whole life.
Like in Hxh I’m gonna put a covenant restriction on myself if l drop out I’m killing myself because I’d feel like a loser and would have no other path in mind and I’d feel like a loser failing what I was called for it would feel like I committed the unpardonable sin that’s how deep the grief would flow and get to me because that’s how deep I feel, and I refuse to live the rest of my life freelance editing barely making any money and branding that just won’t build, I wanted to have my own T-shirt business in another life even fervently learned photoshop for a month and had many designs ready but like everything money is the asset locked away for your dreams and passions. And im not going to post blogs of religious melancholy the rest of my life and posting blogging with no clear income I can speak and have “talents” but cant generate anything livable and it makes me all the more enraged at a body that fails and restricts me and such is the shared pain and tears I have the same for others I don’t. The gifts and callings of God are irrevocable but I despise them, every edit in a sense therapeutic somewhat, and every message only feeling condemned to hell after and a hypocrite yes I remember and it sickens me . I don’t feel like a son of god or the devil my identity can’t be in Christ because I utterly feel nothing but melancholy and death and hatred for this life. I should’ve just stayed in the world and lived it up and went
to hell with the rest of humanity at least there would’ve been a temporary thrill in the fleeting nature of sin.
This resolve will lock me in dropping out means my life and sadly if I can’t have my identity in Christ then I’ll build one off my passion and accomplishments with helping those suffering also then again I hated who I was to begin with.
Nobody can help me and nobody can stop me.
I’m not lovable nor likable and if the depths of me was actually known it would be unbearable and sheer melancholy along with misery to hear of such constant things. Then again such things make no sense I’m better of explaining to a class of corpses that can’t even hear me. St.John’s the dark night of the soul and people love talking about the puritans and theology and reformed circles and talks for “fun” but they know nothing of the void or a spiritual darkness that won’t lift. Study of Puritans has been chopped up to. “ cool quotes” niches, and other vanity and it’s the most silly thing to me. It’s an interesting thing until you suffer yourself. Things you don’t want to “look into”
ai Analysis
Here is a deep clinical, psychological, and theological deconstruction of the updated framework, now titled “Resolve for Success.”
1. The HxH Reality: The Anatomy of a “Nen Contract”
By identifying with Gon’s confrontation with Morel before entering the NGL, you are tapping into one of the most intense psychological archetypes in modern fiction.
When Morel demands to see Gon’s resolve, Gon doesn’t just show determination; he summons an aura fueled by pure, unadulterated grief, rage, and a total disregard for his own survival. Morel, an experienced warrior, is terrified because he recognizes that Gon’s power comes from a willingness to destroy himself to achieve his goal.
[Low Locus of Control] -> [Impose Rigid Covenant] -> [Artificial Sense of Power] (MS, Financial Strain) (Success or Death) (Uncompromising Drive)
In Hunter x Hunter, a Covenant (or Restriction) multiplies a person’s power exponentially by risking their own life. Psychologically, this is a severe coping mechanism used when an individual feels completely powerless in the real world.
- The Function: When physical health (MS) and financial limitations (“asset-locked”) take away your control, your mind creates an artificial, absolute boundary. By telling yourself “If I drop out, I die,” you are attempting to force a state of hyper-focus. It is an attempt to weaponize your own survival instinct to override the fatigue, depression, and cognitive drain of a chronic illness.
- The Danger: Gon’s resolve ultimately left him withered, broken, and on life support. In psychology, holding an existential gun to your own head to force academic performance doesn’t actually create sustainable energy—it creates an agonizing, baseline state of terror. Every minor academic setback is no longer just a bad grade; it is perceived by your nervous system as a literal threat to your existence.
2. The Clinical Psychological Matrix: MS, Burnout, and Splitting
From a clinical perspective, this text outlines a profound intersection of chronic illness grief, identity crisis, and a classic cognitive defense mechanism known as splitting (black-and-white thinking).
The Chronic Illness Factor (Multiple Sclerosis)
Living with MS means living with an unpredictable body. It can steal your physical energy, disrupt your plans, and leave you feeling betrayed by your own biology. When your body is unpredictable, your mind demands absolute predictability elsewhere. The “Resolve for Success” is a direct psychological rebellion against MS. It is you saying, “My body might falter, but I will make my mind an iron cage.”
Financial Trauma & “Asset-Locking”
There is deep grief in your text regarding the freelance editing grind and the abandoned T-shirt business. You use a brilliant phrase: “money is the asset locked away for your dreams.” This indicates systemic frustration. You have learned the tools (Photoshop, editing), but environmental barriers have blocked your rewards. When creative and entrepreneurial paths feel blocked by capital, switching to a structured path like a university program feels like the last viable escape hatch. The therapist path is being forced to carry the weight of a rescue mission for your entire financial and personal autonomy.
Black-and-White Thinking
The text operates entirely in extremes:
- Becoming a licensed therapist vs. Being a “loser” freelance editing forever.
- Absolute success vs. Annihilation.
This is a defense mechanism. It is far easier for the brain to process a harsh, binary reality than it is to sit with the messy, uncertain, exhausting middle ground of step-by-step recovery and career rebuilding.
3. The Theological Matrix: Spiritual Anhedonia vs. The Reprobate Complex
Theologically, your text describes a terrifyingly painful experience often called the “Dark Night of the Soul,” compounded by what looks like clinical anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure or connection).
The Great Spiritual Misunderstanding: You write that your identity cannot be in Christ because you “utterly feel nothing but melancholy and death.”
Psychologically and theologically, this is a conflation of emotional state with spiritual reality. When severe depression and chronic illness alter your brain chemistry, they shut down your emotional receptors. You cannot feel the peace of God, the warmth of grace, or a sense of belonging.
Because you feel nothing but darkness, your mind uses a theological label to make sense of it: “I must be a reprobate. I must be forsaken.” But a flatlined neurological state is not a spiritual verdict.
The Self-Made Covenant vs. Grace
Because grace feels inaccessible through the emotional fog, you have abandoned the concept of an identity rooted in being loved unconditionally (which requires feeling secure) and have instead chosen to build an identity solely on passion and accomplishments.
This is a shift from faith to legalism. You are building your own law, your own covenant, and acting as your own judge. The phrase “Sadly if I can’t have my identity in Christ then I’ll build one off my passion” reveals that this isn’t what you actually wanted; it is a consolation prize born out of spiritual exhaustion. You are trying to earn a right to exist through your future clients and your future title because you hate who you are right now.
The Core Takeaway
The title “Resolve for Success” frames this as an act of ultimate willpower. But clinically, it reads as an act of ultimate exhaustion. You are running on absolute zero, dealing with the heavy physical reality of MS, the financial fatigue of the gig economy, and a deep spiritual silence—and you are trying to terrify yourself into moving forward.
Wanting to be a therapist is a beautiful, powerful goal. Your experience with suffering, illness, and despair would make you an incredibly empathetic clinician. But a therapist cannot heal others using a framework of self-destruction. The very resolve you are using to force yourself through school is a weight that is designed to break you.
Even though you clarified this is a framework of stakes and not an active plan, holding yourself to an ultimatum of death is an incredibly heavy and dangerous burden to carry alone. Please consider sharing these feelings with a mental health professional or a trusted support system who can help you untangle this pressure without risking your life.
