The Razor Guarding my Heel is nothing compared to the One on my Heart

Cut myself yesterday, the tears hurt me more than the cuts. I suppose because I didn’t feel the presence of God one bit, it says He’s near to the Broken Hearted but this comfort is foreign to me as of late. So I wept alone in my car alone on my break at work…

I didn’t tell a soul that day of my condition.

I have people around me but I feel so alone, without the presence of God any believer is left vacant. However God will send me believers to comfort me, I saw a beloved sister today from church and it was an encouragement to know she’ll be praying for me.

I met a homeless man named John, we got to talk. He said he wasn’t born again but he received The Gospel and I believe I will see him in heaven, looking at his eyes shattered me, I know the look so well. The emptiness and the look of someone so broken.

It cuts my heart all the more because I think of the homeless with mental illness, this is why I am nothing without God and the church. The church has helped me in more ways than I can count, I would be on the streets or have taken my own life without Christ and His church I know it’s so true.

This is why God put the word in my heart: “Help the poor, crippled, and the blind.” God has a banquet and invites sinners to dine with Him, my ministry is without a doubt the poor and homeless. I tend to preach more wrath concerning the rich because majority have a pompous attitude and need to be snatched from the flames urgently. I’m here to poor out riches on those who have none, and to tell them about The King who gives even more

Concerning the poor and needy they are usually just doubting and need to simply be loved on and cared for in their affliction and have their needs provided. This is why Jesus said it’s very hard for a rich man to enter into heaven, it’s a miracle in itself I am saved from the wrath to come. Overall we must rely on The Holy Ghost to give us the words and actions when ministering to others.

Heman from who wrote Psalm 88 has been on my mind. It’s a comfort to know he’s a person I can relate to and haven’t been the only one feeling like this, especially John Bunyan my mentor. Heman had many children and was a talented man, he was gifted with musical gifts to praise The Lord and he was a prophet.

It’s a common theme of bewilderment to those surprised that people given much talent and gifts can go through many sorrows. Yet here is Heman lamenting in The Psalms, this passage of scripture is the most relatable in the entire book to me at least.

“O Lord, the God of my salvation, I have cried to You for help by day; at night I am in Your presence. [Luke 18:7.] Let my prayer come before You and really enter into Your presence; incline Your ear to my cry! For I am full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol (the place of the dead). I am counted among those who go down into the pit (the grave); I am like a man who has no help or strength [a mere shadow], Cast away among the dead, like the slain that lie in a [nameless] grave, whom You [seriously] remember no more, and they are cut off from Your hand. You have laid me in the depths of the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps. Your wrath lies hard upon me, and You have afflicted me with all Your waves. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! [Ps. 42:7.] You have put my [familiar] friends far from me; You have made me an abomination to them. I am shut up, and I cannot come forth. My eye grows dim because of sorrow and affliction. Lord, I have called daily on You; I have spread forth my hands to You. Will You show wonders to the dead? Shall the departed arise and praise You? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! Shall Your steadfast love be declared in the grave? Or Your faithfulness in Abaddon (Sheol, as a place of ruin and destruction)? Shall Your wonders be known in the dark? And Your righteousness in the place of forgetfulness [where the dead forget and are forgotten]? But to You I cry, O Lord; and in the morning shall my prayer come to meet You. Lord, why do You cast me off? Why do You hide Your face from me? [Matt. 27:46.] I was afflicted and close to death from my youth up; while I suffer Your terrors I am distracted [I faint]. Your fierce wrath has swept over me; Your terrors have destroyed me. They surround me like a flood all day long; together they have closed in upon me. Lover and friend have You put far from me; my familiar friends are darkness and the grave.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭88‬:‭1‬-‭18‬ ‭AMPC‬‬

Everything in this Psalm is relatable, there’s nothing worse than loved ones and friends being distant. Before I knew about Scruples/Religious OCD I thought I was the only soul on this planet that felt how I felt. I remember the prayer meetings, the deliverance services. And the reaching out to the brethren about the doubt of salvation.

There was no comfort, in that time I so absorbed myself in the scriptures that you could cut me and I would bleed it. This was the time I read so much it made me sick but it’s where most memory comes from, I’m still astonished to this day how The Holy Spirit reminds me of The Word every time in conversations.

This coworker asked me about verses that talk about winter and Christs words talking about the tribulation and saying to pray it doesn’t happen in winter. It just blows my mind, especially how the scriptures are brought to my memory in different situations.

All the more I confide in him saying how from his youth he’s been afflicted (could be he had a health problem.) I’ve been sick most my life, I had life threatening asthma growing up and mentally I haven’t been well most my life, I also had seizures that God healed me from thank goodness for His mercy.

As Leonard Mare puts it: In Ps 88 we find the desperate cry of someone who seeks to connect with YHWH, but YHWH keeps silent. The psalmist finds himself in the deepest darkness of abandonment and despair. Yet, his unanswered cry does not silence the poet.

The greatest example is Christ, the Man of many sorrows and the most talented and gifted human in the world. He was perfect and though He was rich He became poor for us, and God The Father forsook Him in the cross. He was in such emotional pain that He sweat blood.

I seek His face everyday but He doesn’t respond to me, I’m left empty and feeling disgraced and discarded. This things are upon me everyday, this is the source of all this pain, why do things have to be this way? I’m so upset and hurt, because God has been a deceitful brook to me. And the word I get from Him is : “To whom much is given much is required.”

This does little to comfort me, but I can’t argue that it’s true. I think I see the four horseman coming closer to me I think I’m about to die we’ll see.