Red

Idk what’s more scandalous in my carnal reprobate reasoning mind. Rage at being born without ever wanting to be or having a funeral and being mourned over when you never wanted for anyone to be sad nor understand why the hell someone would be sad.
From the moment You brought me into this world
I’ve been utterly afraid of You. How can I not doubt the one that can rightfully utterly damn me? I’m better off teaching an English class to a room full of corpses that are dead. Oh they wouldn’t hear they are dead! So it’s the same way to attempt to explain the utter futility of the amount summary of my foolish thoughts that are full of hatred of myself the devil and fake hypocritical predator ministers I count them as my enemies. So how can God dwell in such a gross vessel?

Holiday embitterment & expectation of wrath met with mery

I’ve had to repent of my foolish thoughts accusing God, I was embittered by the holiday theatrics and everything being so happy and joy merry music was utter sound torture. Not that im blaspheming His church but just overloaded it’s as if I could’ve drowned in my own blood as if somehow, my internal organs […]

David Brainerd: A Life of Fire and Darkness

The life of David Brainerd, and how his story is relatable

Rotten

If there was no hell I would utterly destroy myself and blow my head off going further I would go to a secluded place where nobody could find my corpse except a person I hired to be with me to dig a grave and after I’m dead throw me in there and burn the body […]

Terror

An incomplete journal entry from last year was having a meltdown before church. My condition is so loathsome I could dig my own grave and not bury myself. Calling upon The Carpenter for grace and help there is no comfort to be found. Mere moments ago I was rejoicing and full of great joy. Now […]

Unjustified wrath justified wrath.

I do tremble in my soul at how God knows my every thought, sin, and action. But all the more how He’s fully aware of The sheer rage and anger I have at Him at times. Yet I cannot say He’s evil or that it’s hatred. God if hell wasn’t real I would utterly destroy […]

The dark side of Calvinism the forgotten historical cases of suicide inside the church

The psychological toll of Calvinist theology during the Reformation, Puritan, and Great Awakening periods produced a documented trail of despair, madness, and suicide among ordinary believers—cases often minimized in traditional church history. From a London wood-turner who attempted suicide ten times to prominent citizens who cut their throats in religious terror, the doctrine of predestination created what scholar John Stachniewski calls a “persecutory imagination” that tormented those who could not find assurance of their election. These are not merely famous cases like Luther or Bunyan; they represent hundreds of obscure individuals whose suffering appears in diaries, court records, and pastoral literature—voices largely buried until modern scholarship began excavating them.

The souls unmet relief the yearning for death

Pure faith and irony intertwined the only thing that stops me from devoting myself to destruction is the fear of damnation. It’s on these nights of the soul if I could do it knowing I can go to heaven I would utterly wipe myself off the face of this forsaken earth. A world full of […]

Church history behind suicide and religious despair

This is an old article by I found on the history of how the church dealt with the awful reality of scrupulosity and religious despair Religious despair is the overwhelming loss of hope in God’s mercy and forgiveness. It is the conviction that one’s sins are too great to be pardoned, that salvation is impossible, […]

Memory Hoarding in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

An old article on memory Harding, remembering everything that’s forgotten, forgetting everything that’s remembered