The view was pleasant while getting my monthly infusion the other day. Gods creation never ceases to amaze me some days, other days I’ll disregard it.
I have been stepping out recording again, videos for the gospel. I cringe and wince at the fact of calling it “preaching” so to ease my conscience I tell myself preparing a message or something along those lines. I relate to that man Robert Murray M’Cheynes writings so strongly concerning his thoughts on preaching in his ancient journal:
“I feel deeply the sinfulness of my heart, and the dreadful wickedness that still lurks there. I fear lest, after preaching to others, I myself should be a castaway. Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults! Often I am so much cast down, that I wish I had never preached at all; and yet when I think of the work, I could not be happy without it. My soul cleaves to the dust. Quicken thou me, O Lord, according to thy word!”
I hate the thought of getting in front of this camera and proclaiming Gods Word, in fact no I do hate it. Not hating God or His Word by no means but the fact that proclaiming the gospel falls from the lips of a sinner. It’s depressing and makes me loathe my life more than I did before I did the work.
Yet if I don’t do it I’m convicted and God beats me with His rod and so presses His Hand upon my soul that it’s as if I can barely breath and the scriptures and words He has given me so burns inwardly that it becomes smoke inhalation and the only release is when I proclaim the gospel.
I have encountered men that see preaching as a pastime pleasure or even fun or as if it’s some sport. 5 years ago I was like this, in immaturity and an arrogant heart I was “happy” I could speak the mysteries of scripture and I thought it was a light matter.
I was such profligate. God slowly convicted my conscience about this. To the point where I actually despised making videos for the gospel because it makes me so miserable. Stricter judgment and other verses about speaking vexed my soul.
Someone could slit my throat 7 times over if I were to be a practicing preacher in an official capacity for a church. The office of a teacher is a fearful thing to me.
It’s not a strange thing to think or say that Jesus is coming because He is. I feel His Spirit beckoning men and at my complacency and indifference for the lost. When I find myself scrolling I keep seeing young street preachers and evangelists as if God is nudging “see there’s no time.”
That and also me investing my time for the youth at my church, the next generation needs the gospel and I was convinced about doing more for His people.Recalling these things casts me into such despondency that I feel worse than before I did and where I forgot about these things for a few minutes but for some reason I keep documenting a written account.
Looking at past saints like David Brainerd , William Cowper, and Robert M’ Cheyene that wrestled with these things. So if it helped me I imagine these words will help someone.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 