Misery in Obedience Convinced in Omission

I’ve been convicted of not obeying God as I’ve felt The Holy Spirit has been telling me to, I have continually heard: “I want you to let go of gaming.” In my head over and over the last year or so, and my soul sinks within every time I hear it.

Though I try to reason and wrestle with myself that it’s just intrusive thoughts I keep coming to the conclusion that it’s God and it most likely is. I feel He’s calling me back to do “The First Works” as He talks about in the book of Revelation, that burning zeal and radical consecrated life for The Kingdom of Heaven.

Back then I had gotten my screen time on my phone down to 30 minutes to an hour with how focused I was with my studies and serving in ministry at the time, I gave up gaming and social media truly I was locked in (Especially since I was married at the time.) But the hole in my heart didn’t go away, the torments of mind and doubt of salvation and the fear of Hell still hovered over me.

So here I am again trying to be obedient, not to be righteous but to honor God. When I sin I’m convicted and fall into despair, yes I know about the promises of God and what The Word says but this doesn’t improve how I feel, so I’m all the more afraid of falling because it’s just more agony heaped upon me that I’m already covered in everyday.

I feel so sad, lonely and sick. However I’ve been studying the history of scrupulosity/OCD in the church and many saints before me were afflicted with the same doubts and torments. I just laugh because there’s believers that pass through this life and are never beset by these things. Not so much out of envy but I can only laugh because it’s such madness to me and I don’t understand God’s ways on why it has to be His ways and it’s so frustrating. I get so angry and embittered that sometimes all I can do is smile and laugh.

I had an MRI done on my brain last week (a scan of the brain.) I use to have seizures years back and I wanted to follow up since it’s been so long and because they found polyps back then, the test came back and they said they found white matter disease one of the symptoms was mood swings and depression.

White matter disease could indicate multiple sclerosis the symptoms mentioned I definitely see in my day to day life, if I tilt my head forward sometimes there’s a tingly feeling in my spine and mood disturbances like I’ve seen in research and fatigue.

There hasn’t been an official diagnosis I’m waiting on the Neurologist to give me a call, I saw that it can lead to memory loss and disability. And this is making my obsession’s run wild: “what if I won’t be able to walk, what if I lose my memory.” So I’ve been panicking lately checking if I’m remembering things correctly.

These things bow we down within and I remember it all. It’s only grace that I haven’t went to drugs, drunkenness or sexual sin to numb the pain. Though it’s awful nevertheless sin is never an excuse, and what man can complain in the sight of His sins? So I’m spiraling out right now.

I’ve always played games and made edits to avoid my greatest fear, namely God and the Demonic Flames of Hell. When I was lost I fought with all I could to suppress these thoughts, what’s jarring is that I don’t recall messages I heard in Chruch talking about Hell and I never had an evangelist come up to me and witness about me being a possible false convert. I had always had an inward belief that there’s a heaven and a hell that God will punish the ungodly in. When I started reading The Bible for myself these fears were re-awakened concerning the scriptures and everything came

Though the doctrine of eternal damnation is repulsive to a lost world and see it as a “religious delusion that the Church made up to scare its members.” Is hogwash and an insult to God’s character and painting Him as a villain which He is not. And it’s not delusions but simply the truth, but like Pontus Pilate said to Christ: “What is Truth” and so is the hopeless superstition skeptic in this age with evil suspicions that questions everything and especially the cross of Jesus Christ.

I know that God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of sound mind and control but my entire life is ruled by an unbiblical fear of God and I truly can’t help it. I’ve seen stories of people having a final breakthrough in their struggles with mental illness but I just haven’t got that yet.

In a sense upon hearing the news with the MRI results has reminded how short and fleeting my life is. Men get too comfortable when prosperity thrives and there’s no adversity. I’ve been convicted of my grumbling and my eyes wandering, Satan shows me all the women, wealth, and fame in this lifetime. And reminds me of when I was lost trying to make me think I missed out on something.

But I count it loss if I could hear God and feel Him, I yearn for the day the flesh won’t be a burden anymore. I yearn to be healed of my ailments, only God Himself could count all the tears that’ve ran down my face. I tried going to Chruch just now, I couldn’t stay every time I step in the Trauma just returns and it’s as if I’m reliving everything that’s happened concerning before I know about OCD and scruples.

My body knows I’m not in those days anymore but my mind doesn’t register. I’m trying not to forsake the gathering like it says but now I truly want to die after going, it’s a gamble every time I go sometimes it’s rejoicing and others it’s sorrow. I’m so tired of this. I’m not trying to carry the past on my shoulders anymore.

Why do I even write these things? It’s just complaints and the same thing, what progress have I made? If I’m obedient to The Lord I’m filled with grief and misery, if I refuse to do His work I’m convicted. At this point I’m digging my grave & making my bed my only escape is when my eyes are closed. Weeping endured through the night and it returned in the morning, the sunset was so painful.

I am soldier on my own, I don’t know the way
I’m riding up the heights of shame
I’m waiting for the call, the hand on the chest
I’m ready for the fight, and fate.

Time to ignore how I feel by playing Elden Ring then sleep. What futility…