Ironic Laments

It’s the same story, the same complaints. What can I say that I haven’t before? I’ve had to force myself to stop being angry because I’ll end up spiraling out and try to kill myself again.

I love how God forms other Christians in their mother’s womb and they aren’t born with any mental illness. They have joy of salvation, they take up their cross but they walk in light with no darkness, I love waking up everyday with all I have but with continually misery within.

I love how people meet their spouses with little to no trouble, I like waking up everyday hating myself. I love reading these scriptures that hurt more than they comfort, I like walking on egg shells with God and when I sin The Father beats the hell out of me. And I’m expected to be holy while walking in continual darkness.

I love realizing that even if I did have a spouse I would still be tormented.

I love that there’s Christian’s that barely think about God and they are genuinely saved and have never doubted their salvation and haven’t undergone psychological spiritual torment on their time on this earth.

I like how though I have no ulterior deceitful motives when I get in relationships I still get used and betrayed. In this I truly am astonished at The Love of Christ, because He knew after all those years Judas would still betray him and we betray Him everyday when we choose the world and sin.

I hate in reality no matter how much I try to downplay and joke all day to curb the pain it doesn’t fill the hole in my heart. I like how I know Jesus fills that hole but I’m stuck lacking and empty. I enjoy having manic fits thinking I’ve finally broken the cycle and after a few hours I played the fool for believing such a thing.

I like that scripture condemns me, I like when I’m having a decent day and then the parable of the 10 virgins comes in my head: “What if I’m a foolish virgin?” So I better go into my self discipline mode like I did for 2 years, living like a puritan. Fasting and barely eating until you could see my bones, yeah that was a great time. Oh and hopefully I’m not disqualified after I preach which I’m compelled to do.

I like that I play on a stupid console to distract myself and have “entertainment.”

It’s encouraging to know that most people are headed to hell, and how majority of people I talk to are completely unaware of their condition. And then I wonder why I’m saved, if I even am that is.

I like that I get no answers to any of things, but then again Job never got his.

I like that even though I try to cut myself I can’t even draw blood because I’m too sensitive to pain so I feel dumb when I stop.

I like from the very moment I rise to the moment I lay my head the scriptures are constantly going through my mind though I don’t want to think about them. And though I could deceive myself into thinking about other vain things I know this is futile.

I hate that people are tortured with mental illness. I hate that every few seconds someone kills themself.

I think it’s great that majority of my salvation has been fear and not love not assurance. I hate that I was ever born, I hate that I’m hindered by all these things from doing as much for The Kingdom as I dream

I haven’t denied You, even though I feel cast aside. My sin is before me everyday.

Don’t try to live so wise, don’t cry cause you’re so right. Because you will hate yourself in the end.