I try so hard to rest in His Grace but it’s as if I’m walking on thorns and thistles. Always telling people I’m fine and the same with the brethren, because it if I vented how I really felt it would just weigh someone down. Feeling like a 90 year old man from ms and forking down adderal like some wired junkie to even stay awake.
But yes when I sin He puts His gaze on me and strikes me down without sparing.
“You only have I known of all the families of the earth; therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities.” -Amos 3:2
It would be nice to waltz into church service with assurance of salvation and not be stricken with the pains of hell feeling like I’m condemned, Satan offers pleasure and whoredom (1st Corinthians 6:16) and all other sorts of filth and substance abuse but somehow somewhere in my soul I still see it as a lie and in the end destruction though I’ve become a corpse.
I don’t hate God but I hate that He created me.
I feel so sick I don’t want to go to heaven or hell just let me die and cease to exist man is born into trouble and sorrow.
Why am I even typing these things. How does someone wake up not doubting The Love of God? How do people read the scripture without those red words tearing them limb from limb and reducing the mind to ashes? Who even cares I was nobody to begin with.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 