If I would say that The Lord hasn’t been kind I would be labeled a liar more than any man, I’m grateful for my doctors that have been helping with the MS Treatment, I have been pursuing starting a clothing brand of HopeInMadnesss and it being shirt streetwear w/ Christian/Y2k style etc…
I went on a rampant journey with learning Photoshop the last 3 weeks and it makes sense now after much toil and pain, I had always wanted to have a clothing line I just hadn’t persued it whole heartedly until now and it’s been fun to learn a new software besides After Effects, and has been refreshing. Lord willing I’m hoping this branding can bring awareness to The Gospel and the blog along with Religious OCD.
May the day on which I was born be cursed, I consider the animals of the world to be blessed even the cursed dirty ones like pigs because they do not have a sin nature like humans to, if I could’ve been born a bird or some other creature I would’ve rejoiced in my condition rather than be born a man.
As humans we are the most blessed and cursed creatures in existence, blessed in the way that we are the only created being that can have God indwelling inside us but cursed because by nature we are God hating sinners apart from salvation in Christ.
I’m walking this thin line of sanity and I’m ready to burst asunder at the drop of a coin, the last few days I’ve utterly wanted to kill myself. I call into work from this short measly shift that I couldn’t even bring myself to work because I’m having an actual meltdown, what responsibilities I do have for the church and my job it’s as if I’m scarcely managing.
And then I consider the insurmountable duties and responsibilities that other people have to bear with especially men with families and do compared to what seems like little in comparison that I have in my life yet struggle to manage, yes! I have become smitten and a reproach to man and God.
I fall into sin and I feel condemned and my spirit is so broken that I can barely function and I feel hellbound and it’s all I can think about. “How are you feeling” oh I hate life and I think I’m headed to hell and life is pointless if I am and if Christ says to me Depart from me what does it profit me to breathe a breath in this life?
So yes I lie and say I’m fine because telling people this would be considered one of the most ridiculous things they’ve heard in their life and what’s the point in sharing?
If only I could somehow be sentenced to an execution or hanging and then I could depart this world and go to my own place. God I hate that I was born, I loathe who I am. Looking at myself makes me angry but then again I don’t want to be anyone else because that would be strange.
If I could’ve been born without being like this yes then I would say my condition is blessed, and then I consider those homeless who have a much harder hand dealt in this life while I have all I need but feel like this, these things are ever before me and cast me into a deep slumber of sleep and then awakening to the nightmare of life and the painful sunset.
Along with waking up to the pharmacy in my room and stimulators like adderal for the ms are the only thing that even keep me awake.
How many years have these thoughts been here? I get furious considering to pray because it’s as if God just shuts the door in my face and I utterly feel nothing and it’s as if darkness has become my only companion. I thought things were looking up but a last I was fooled like usual. What does it profit being alive if I’m to be damned?
My spirit is broken you could trample me to death and I would stay there most likely, so here I am searching and seeking things to numb the pain and distract how I feel but it works to no avail, what I seek is communion with God and assurance of salvation but what do I get? Silence.
Can’t bring myself to read the Bible I’m so shot and it just seems to stir up even more anguish, I could be a fool and say it’s a made up story the gospel and all and the Bible is corrupted or some hogwash like that but I would be a liar and a fraud.
I’m too much of a coward to take my life but if only there was some sort of passive way I could die. I’m too afraid to cut the veins directly, I can’t live right, die right, can’t even cut right.
I got so absorbed with this screen printing thing because it was something to distract me with and a found passion but in the midst of doing it I think about the parable of the 10 virgins and wonder if since I’m so absorbed in these things I’ll be like the foolish virgins and I’ll be shut outside heaven. There is no peace for the wicked.
Couldn’t bring myself to listen to the complete sermon with the brethren today at church, there was a time the obsessional fears and tormenting thoughts concerning hell and scripture and condemnatory thoughts weren’t so bad in service but now it’s returned. I was a fool to think that it had gotten better. I can only look at God utterly confused and confounded, if I am saved what does this torment serve? What does is profit anyone when I am bedridden for days and taking up the air of the world and existing?
The case of Jerry Dahmer has came to mind, he gave his testimony after his sentencing and quoted the verse where Paul talked about being the chief of sinners, by his words apparently he repented and was baptized after his trial. Only God knows the hearts of men.
I’m aware that the mercy of God applies to all men, even the horrid things he did to those people he murdered and dismembered can be covered by the blood of Jesus if anyone comes to him. He was later killed in prison by a man, I saw the clip from this Netflix movie that was about him.
As he was being beaten to death it started showing short flashback clips of him when he murdered those men and the awful things he did up until the man stopped beating him. For some reason this resonated with me, I haven’t done what Dahmer did.
But in my final hours if I was breathing my last from a beating or whatever it is in my mind I think the only thing going through my head would be my sin and the great evil I’ve done in my life. It will be a miracle if I go to heaven, in Hebrews it says that Christs frees from the livelong slavery of the fear of death. I unfortunately don’t have that, if I die my only hope is the cross but then I think about the depart from me I never knew you verse and it just breaks me.
I spread the gospel and have seen men receive it with joy and assurance, I do ministry and see people with joy and communion with Jesus. For some reason I guess that never applied to me. I have access to the byproduct of the faith: Gods People, His Word, The Church, and many more things. But it’s as if I lack the source of faith; namely God Himself.
I’ll do these videos for the gospel and I hate myself more that before I even recorded the video, so many words and such little power… even if I am saved I am tortured and grieved with the fact that so many people are headed to the lake of fire and it’s discouraging seeing how disinterested people are about eternity and Jesus.
You bring up these matters and immediately you are met with irritation and you spend minutes reasoning with people about the coming judgment and reckoning against humanity and you are looked at like you have 3 heads.
What does it profit going through the dead cycles of religion (let the reader understand) what I mean is the cycle of mechanical religion, there is no joy and no sense of love. I avoid sin out of fear mainly and I do ministry work and all these things for the church but is it even out of love or am I just some reprobate that God is using for His temporal Will in my life and then will cast me away like a filthy rag when I die?
Christianity is no dead thing it’s unlike the false religions of the world, it’s a relationship with the One and True Living God. I cannot deny what I have seen.
Taking up my cross and killing sin without joy or a sense of communion with God is absolute hell and so soul killing and utterly depressing, the source of all is love and without that all you have is mechanical by the book religious acts, oh and then I think about how Paul said if you have not you love your nothing. So do I even have love?
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 