My first blog post was explaining what the purpose of this blog is and what madness was namely Scrupulosity also in more ancient times called in Religious Melancholy and in more modern medical clinical terms: “Religious OCD” Concerning my blog: however I’ve learned more since then and wanted to expound more on this and post an updated version.
In 2023 The Lord dropped in my heart: Hope In Madness (ˈmadnəs) (mad.ness) is defined as a state of being severely mentally ill. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate; it afflicts those in The Body of Christ and those in the world. I’m here to bring awareness to Religious OCD aka Scrupulosity in the church and for those without Jesus who suffer from mental illness especially to point them to Christ.
Men over the course of years have been almost enamored or very captivated by this illness that afflicts the believers mind, I have discovered many lectures written about it on the internet I do not denounce these mens writings by no means, however there is a difference in knowing versus understanding something.
In my case I understand and know what it’s like, therefore how I all the more must talk about it. This is why God has put me on this earth and through the hellish torments that afflict my mind I can throw it all into this blog.
So I don’t endlessly post on here to complain to no avail to make it about me, I post because there’s many Christians that feel the same way but they stay quiet and feel alone. When I read John Bunyans Grace Abounding To The Chief Of Sinners (His Autobiography) it was as if I pinned it myself. If he would’ve kept these things to himself it never would’ve ministered to me.
John Bunyan also drew hope from Martin Luther’s Commentary on Galatians, he dealt with scrupulosity as well. There’s renounced names throughout all of history that dealt with it that I’ve researched and studied, and as I put earlier people have been so interested and have “longed to look into” Religious OCD though I would say it’s not something you want to deal with.
And that leads me to explain Religious OCD also known as Scrupulosity, there are many definitions of Scrupulosity but I prefer James Jackson’s:
“Scrupulosity is an emotional condition, an ultra sensitivity to sin, which produces excessive anxiety and fear from the thought of eternal damnation.”
This blog is what’s inside the mind of someone with this condition, I haven’t overcame it and I don’t know if I ever will but it hasn’t been as brutal as it once was. I’m taking advantage of being in a healthy state of mind and posting about this.
To understand scrupulosity a bit further we need to explain what OCD is (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) OCD consists of two things: Obsessions and Compulsions, Obsessions are unwanted intrusive thoughts that afflict the mind, the compulsions are what come after the obsessions. They are actions done in attempt to get the obsessional thoughts to go away.
Unfortunately the compulsions only get rid of the obsessions temporarily and the person is stuck in a maddening cycle of instantly. Below is imagery of the cycle to example even further:
It’s an endless cycle, a common example are contamination obsessions. The person has the obsessional intrusive thought come to mind: “your hands are dirty.) and thus the compulsion follows and the person washes their hands. Depending on how extreme the intrusive thoughts are this person could wash their hands up to 100 times a day thus leading to their hands being dry and skin irritation from the constant washing and overall messed up.
Another form of obsessions are intrusive thoughts of insulting people, you see someone and: “How can God make a person like that.” “She is hideous.” besides the religious obsessions I deal with this as well. I’ll get a grievous thought that shoots through my head concerning someone and the compulsions is me telling myself to shut up or say in my head or out loud that I didn’t mean it.
And thus that leads us to scrupulosity, as we defined it earlier: “Scrupulosity is an emotional condition, an ultra sensitivity to sin, which produces excessive anxiety and fear from the thought of eternal damnation.”
Scrupulosity is a subtype of OCD as I read somewhere OCD simply hijacks your faith, Christian’s aren’t the only ones that deal with it. There is no discriminatory treatment it can afflict people of all forms of faith.
Everyone’s case is so different but there’s a few common examples; one is someone that thinks they’ve committed the unpardonable sin (Mark 3:29 (Blasphemy of The Holy Spirit) and are eternally damned no matter what they do.
Another is common doubt of salvation or hard verses like Hebrews chapter 6 and 10 where it talks about willfully sinning and those who’ve shared in The Holy Spirit but they eventually fall away and there’s no way to save them.
And thus these obsessions lead to compulsions, an example is asking for assurance from pastors and other believers, another is looking at resources online. In my case the verse that drove me mad was Matthew 7 as it is written:
““Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’”
Matthew 7:21-23 ESV
Ah this verse has haunted and torn me to bits, I can owe this verse quite possibly my salvation and my greatest torment. It lead me to attempt killing myself twice, though by the grace of God I’m still here. Sometimes I’m grateful it didn’t work, other times somewhere deep in my heart I’m not…
I would search for articles concerning this and would revisit the same websites pertaining to that verse and I also would look up why I doubt my salvation so much. And of course these compulsions dulled the obsessional fears concerning hell and the Matthew 7 verse but fresh doubts would break afresh in my mind wondering if I’m reprobate in the end.
Here are some old pictures I put together a while ago concerning religious OCD:
Another common theme with scrupulosity are recurring sexual thoughts, I would get images and memories that would flash before my mind concerning my past out of nowhere and would so vex my soul that I was ready to collapse. So i would fight in my mind to not think these thoughts but they would return.
Another common theme is the believer thinking they are in sin when they actually aren’t. I recall a time when I received a pen from this lady at my job because I committed that I liked how it wrote (I write a lot) it was a TRU RED Pen, I marveled at the pen and thought it wrote so great.
However my heart struck me later on when I took the pen: “taking it means that I’m cheating on my wife and it’s an adulterous gift.” (I was married at the time.) so I threw it in the trash, picked it back up, threw it in the trash again, and once more picked it back up and in anger and irritation I threw it in the trash finally.
Accepting this pen clearly wasn’t sin, another time was when I was in worship and I thought I was starting to lust after the singers voice. I was vexed by this and departed the service for a short time. These things were ever before me and I thought they were so ridiculous and embarrassing that I refused to share the deepest fears and doubt of my heart.
And this is my story and this is madness, The Hope is Jesus. I mourn the fact that I can consolidate others and tell them the gospel yet I believe it doesn’t apply to me, I have this blog as a beacon of hope and a voice for those that deal with it and feel like their alone. John Bunyans book comforted my soul and I needed to hear someone’s testimony that dealt with these thoughts and great fears.
And so with this blog I hope to help those with scrupulosity and to bring awareness to the condition, in an increasingly secular society it’s become more uncommon. In older times when Calvinism was the dominate doctrine at the time in the Christian faith (the idea that God has already chosen who is saved and who is damned eternally.)
This would lead people to despair over the tormenting thought that they aren’t apart of the “elect” (those saved) and that they were reprobate and thus drove some to madness and even suicide these poor souls didn’t have things like mental health awareness or medication like we do now. I believe through the sheer grace of God and His kindness that He saved the souls that took their lives and He knew that these people were sick.
If these things are foreign to you I hope you have learned something new and if you suffer from these things I hope that you find comfort in this blog. Come quickly Lord Jesus, yes and amen.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 