Yesterday in despair and as my mind was racing I heard in my head: “I’ve seen you at your highest and lowest.” I can only attribute it to The Lord, my countenance falls so easily because of my sin. I have the accuser on one hand whispering his lies and a condemnatory conscience on the other thinking about my sin and thus I fall into despair.
Though I try to take 10 looks at Christ and one at myself I tend to do the opposite, so I pondered on that thought I heard. Yes God has been there in my highs and lows, it could be that God speaks in ways I’m not seeing as it says in Job:
“For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.”
Job 33:14
With all the noise in my head that small still voice gave me comfort. And I recall in my unbelief at times yes God has been there, upon hearing this my mind was flooded with memories from the past. My victories over sin and my failures and succumbing to temptation, the tears shed and the cuts to feel something and the attempts I tried taking my life and hating being born, along with the joy of salvation and me being grateful for life.
Truly God has been there, I saw a grandma with her grandson at my job today. I was under the impression that he had autism as I saw him and as she was leaving I shared with her that I had autism growing up as a child and sure enough she confirmed that her grandson also has it. We were able to share a heartfelt conversation.
I’ve encountered people at my job that have autistic family members with them and I always confide in them when I share how it was for me growing up with autism and it’s a heartfelt connection there.
And then I ran into a regular customer and we got on the topic of health and I shared that I had MS and ironically it turns out he had it also, he actually wasn’t able to walk for a few months but he prayed and asked The Lord to heal him and he got treatment and was able to walk again by the grace of God.
He shared some health tips with me concerning it and I took note of it and thanked him. God truly sends people my way and speaks through them, I cannot forget how a few months ago at my job and was at the end of myself. So I asked God for a sign that if He really seems me to send someone.
And though He didn’t have to answer my adulterous unbelief He still sent someone: a beloved brother named Daemon that turns out he dealt with scrupulosity as well (Religious OCD) and we comforted each other and I shared with him what I had asked The Lord for.
Indeed God has seen my highs and lows, my heart feels so cold concerning my love for The Lord and I have to ask my soul : “Do I love God.” And I would have to say yes I do love thee. He’s given me everything and I don’t have sufficient words to describe His kindness.
Nevertheless though I speak about Him and share the gospel this rugged heart feels so dark and cold and I’ll feel like a fraud, and of course you have the devil that tries to get you to believe the lie and make you fall into despair.
I confided in what Spurgeon said:
“There are times when I ascend the pulpit with a heart cold as ice. I speak what I believe, but feel so far from what I say that I go home weeping. And yet, the Lord uses it still.”
So I can’t trust my feelings and I know the heart can be deceitful nevertheless I find myself looking inward all day instead of looking at Jesus and His finished work on the cross I’m such a legalist.
On my “good days” where I avoid all sorts of sin and I seem to be bearing much fruit I rest in God, however on “bad days” (in my head I perceive it as that) I think that The Wrath of God abides on me and He is displeased with me.
Though I know this isn’t Gods character it doesn’t help the thoughts. In fact I’m exhausted from the day because of these thoughts and I’m utterly spent.
Nevertheless I follow Christ not only to escape hell but because He’s the only reason to be alive, there was so purpose in my life when I was lost. As it says in Ephesians:
“Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.”
Ephesians 4:17-19
Being a Christian has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, in fact my affliction got worse. (I’m not blaming The Lord) what I mean is that God doesn’t promise to heal all your ailments when you follow Him in fact Jesus said you must take up your cross and follow Him. In fact He even said He who loves His life will lose it and He who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
Not meaning a literal self hatred but a sense of prioritizing spiritual things and the gospel much over your own life, interests, and sin. There a high cost for following Jesus and it’s so wonder how so many people “deconstruct” and leave the faith. Indeed they have come to know the truth yet decided to leave Jesus and trample over His atoning blood and call it an unclean thing.
It would’ve been better off they were never born that to receive knowledge of the truth and reject it. I tremble for my own soul because it says in Hebrews to take care lest you have an evil unbelieving heart and fall away from The Living God.
This is why we need the church namely the body of believers so we can keep encouraging one another in this dark age.
Life without Jesus is no life at all in fact heaven without Christ in no heaven at all. I yearn for the day of a steadfast trust in The Lord and salvation, Christ has been there even when I haven’t felt it.
I’ve been working on this book for Biblical remedies against Scrupulosity and it’s been formulating by The Grace of God, it’s my prayer that before I depart this world I can finish it to help the saints afflicted with an accusing conscience.
I’ve read wonderful books on Scrupulosity that’s helped, however I want to search the scriptures and do a deep dive from the Old Testament and new finding those remedies for the brethren and what I’ve learned thus far yes and amen.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 