How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
Psalm 13:1-6
David’s words in the psalms just about sums up my condition. I have His Word, I have His people, I have His blessings. But where is He? I’m weary from the council of my soul, this utter void of emptiness only God can fill.
This feeling reminds me of around winter of 2016 the year I graduated and the utter despair that came over me, I wanted to take my life but was too afraid of hell because I know if I did I would go, I wasn’t saved at the time. Suppose the difference is now I know Christ is the answer to my problems where back then I had no hope.
But it’s as if now my very Hope has been taken away from me and God is hiding His Face. I’ve slept the sleep of death much today and chances are I will tomorrow once church is over, I’m happy to see the brethren in the morning. But I’m lacking what they have, that is close communion with Christ.
In the psalm David is saying He has trusted in Gods steadfast love even in the darkness. That’s all I can bank on is His love, because the only thing I yearn for is death and the closest I can get to that is sleep.
With my many ramblings at times I hope it helps someone, the writings of Martin Luther and John Bunyan helped me so much. After realizing what scrupulosity was I realized I wasn’t alone anymore feeling tormented at the thought of hell and doubt of salvation.
Reading these accounts of saints that’ve gone before me I almost find it a strange thing, the writings of these men are so close knit together it’s as if they collaborated together without even knowing it.
As the Famous hymn writer William Cowper that tried taking His life a few times from religious despair said:
“Hatred and vengeance, my eternal portion,
Scarce can I lift my eyes to heaven,
So deep is my guilt.
If You do damn me, I deserve it all.”
And as John Bunyan said (Author of pilgrims progress.)
“I feared that God had cast me away forever.
I was tempted to believe that He had left me to perish.
My soul was filled with such horror
that I could not bear to live.”
Their writings along with others have been heartfelt and an encouragement, some of them found deliverance from their horrors of conscience while others didn’t. Nevertheless God sustained them, it was God that kept them going, even though they felt the sentence of death within them.
It’s my prayer that these writings help someone suffering from the same things, you indeed aren’t alone and you’ll never be! I believe it was Spurgeon that talked about how he preached at a girls funeral and it when she was alive it was her request that he preach at her funeral that her father might be saved and as it turned out he did.
I think about my family and lost friends right now, how if there’s anything I could do to aid in their souls being saved I would do what I could. It’s God that does the saving we only plant the seed.
I get so stuck on serving and spreading the gospel because I could die tomorrow and death is random and sudden. God knows my hearts desire is to die young, to be free from this would be a dream in the hopes that I do get to be with Christ in heaven.
I just want peace of mind and sweet communion with Christ, I’ve had moments like that. I recall a few years ago studying the Song of Solomon and how it’s allegorical with Christ as the bridegroom and the church as His bride. It helped me see the communion that Christ shares with His people.
The Lord isn’t evil, no matter how much my mind tries to paint Him as such I couldn’t believe such a wicked carnal lie. As much as people bring reproach to Christ usually because of the repulsive thought of eternal damnation and the fact that sin exists and is detestable in His sight.
They fail to see that every good gift comes from above, He gave you everything you have. In Him we move and have our being and are nothing without Him. God has been nothing but kind to me, the fact that my family found me in the wilderness in some back road country in the boonies when I decided to leave home and be homeless and hopefully die out of suicide ideation.
And the second time I took pills in hope of an overdose that didn’t happen by the grace of God. I have somewhere to lay my head at night with more than enough food and water, a family and the church. Do you fail to see that God is kind and it’s meant to lead you to repentance?
Or do you despise His kindness, as Thomas Brooks said: when mercy is despised Judgment takes the seat.
Suppose I go to hell I couldn’t tell people that God was cruel to send me there nor that He was evil, nor did He ever fail me on my time on earth.
In peace I will lie down and sleep.
“In manibus portabunt te, ne forte offendas ad lapidem pedem tuum.”
-Psalmi 90:12
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 