No Rest

I’m consumed with embitterment, if I could cut myself into bits I would. How long Lord? I try so hard to toil for the gospel and then I’m reminded about my sin and I fall into such despondency and despair and unworthiness and fear creeps and then of course I start wondering if I’m damned or not.

I’m utterly trying to take the kingdom of God by force and I still fall short. Truly if I could’ve been born a beast that has no sin nature how happy I would be! It’s my wish that The Almighty utterly destroys me this very moment. Enough of my existence, I utterly hate myself.

My existence is a hindrance to creation and I would be better off not here, how I’m fearful of hell but don’t feel worthy of Heaven! As Job said if I’m righteous I can’t lift my head up and if I’m wicked WOE is me.

My heart is so sensitive to sin that it makes me fall into a deep slumber I’m tempted all day to persue all types of evil and lusts to the point that resisting it almost feels wrong though I know this is a lie. I can do the smallest sinful deed and my heart is stricken and destroyed and yes I remember things from my past and how I’ve not honored peoples time and have been deceptive.

The Holy Spirit convicts of Sin Righteousness and Judgment as it says but the wounds from God leave my body gushing out all sorts of blood. I do one thing wrong and God readies His gun and just utterly shoots me down without sparing. What do you have to do with me? I’m nobody and I don’t want to be anybody.

And then once again I share the gospel and do videos for the gospel and feel like a complete idiot because I feel like a fraud and all the more because if I don’t do it that adds to the condemnation and conviction I feel everyday. So I walk on eggshells afraid of sinning because when I do it ruins my day hoping that God doesn’t appear and cut me into pieces and assign me to the place of the hypocrites.

The Bible has become a torture device for my mind, I grow weary of reading though I desire The Word of God and then I run across condemnatory verses that are talking about unbelievers that of course on days like this make me question my condition before God. Isn’t it an important thing to make sure you are right before Christ on judgement day? Surely you know.

I can’t even enjoy an off day from work because my mind is set on these things, I’ve become so exhausted from dwelling on eternity and how short my time is. So yes I could go back to gaming for hours and fill my mind with all sorts of worldly vanity but wait, the parable of the 10 Virgins (Matthew 25 1-13) comes to mind and if Jesus were to return if I revert to that lifestyle I feel like my oil would be lacking and I would be banished to hell and Him say to me: “I do not know you.”

Yes I make one step forward and then it’s five backwards. So my room is a shelter for my rage, and my bed has become my grave.

God please let me die in peace.