“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ESV
I’ve read this verse many times but it’s been a hard for me to accept “power made perfect in weakness?” There would be times my heart would rage wanting to be healed from what I deal with, I suppose there’s a few thorns in my flesh.
The first thorn is namely the MS (multiple sclerosis) “A disease in which the immune system eats away at the protective covering of nerves.” I found this diagnosis out last year and it was a shock because I don’t know of anyone in my direct family that has this illness. By Gods grace I started getting treatment for it and caught it early before it started spreading which can cause vision loss and other debilitations.
I was desperate for answers because I would be unusually tired all the time, I would sleep up to 12+ hours a day and would be bed ridden and sometimes I still am, though I started this medication called modafinil to give me a boost I’m grateful for. Nevertheless I still have days that I’m bed ridden and tired from it.
For awhile I was able to get up early with the medication and I would have plenty of energy to spare however as of late it hasn’t been like that. Today I was blessed with the opportunity to give a message to the special needs community Wings in Oklahoma City this morning, The Lord was with me and I stand in awe every time a message is done because I truly don’t know how I do it besides the sheer grace of The Holy Spirit.
After I was done the director asked if I wanted to stay and help more, my spirit wanted to so bad but I knew my flesh was weak and wouldn’t permit me I would be a walking corpse dragging along half asleep if I would’ve stayed, so I went home and slept even more so I can get enough rest for work. So I require more sleep than the next man and at times it gets discouraging because I feel so weak and tired. Even tonight I wanted to do a message on The Late Night Psalms but I just can’t, I’m spent.
Another thorn is an overly sensitive conscience concerning scrupulosity (Religious OCD) when I sin it’s as if The Almighty aims His rifle and blasts me to bits leaving me bed ridden at times, I fall into such despair and I turn into a corpse, my bones are broken and my spirit is shattered to bits. Christ does not spare me when it comes to discipline! God does not want me making sin a frivolous manner, with more knowledge comes a greater responsibility. As it talks about in Luke 12 The servant that knew the master Will was beaten with MANY blows.
The Lords servant can expect a severe punishment when he gets off track, the more you cling to purity the more you are sensitive to sin.
So I would ponder and start comparing myself to other brethren when they would tell me of certain sins they fell into but they seem restored quite soon. But its as if in my case if I mess up the smallest God is just ready to beat me to a bloody pulp leaving me half dead and defeated and I feel I have enraged The Spirit and I’m left languishing in grief and despair.
I tell the truth I do not lie, brethren I am horrified at what sin can do to me, I ponder on if I somehow fell into sexual sin or pornography there’s a chance I would take my life. Judas comes to mind where it says he regretted betraying Christ for 30 silver and he hung himself and his guts bust asunder.
The last time I looked at pornography was around 4 or 5 years ago and it was around the time I had first got saved and I cannot express the agony and sorrow I felt, it’s as if The Holy Spirit was taken away from me. The next day at my church I sat behind the building and wept falling in and out of sleep. I was sorrowful enough to die, I know there’s no expressible way to describe how horrifying and lonely hell is but the feeling I felt that day is as close I can get to it in my head.
I recall that day I was reading the John MacArthur commentary on the book if Hebrews on how they had an intellectual knowledge of the gospel but hadn’t quite come to saving faith yet.
Even if I did that sin, that wouldn’t mean I’m to be damned the moment I did that type of sin, but the way my mind works I would think myself to be damned in my mind for betraying Christ for such wicked pleasure!
Yes! I am fearful of sin, it’s not an option because I’m afraid of what I’d do to myself if I did something so evil, on top of that I would feel disqualified to even make videos for the gospel ever again, it would be an everlasting scar on my conscience and I would wander as an outcast like Cain. So I stand puzzled how believers make light of sin especially sexual sin. And then I think the only reason I have this ultra sensitive conscience is because of OCD.
If I didn’t have this thorn I would likely run into all kinds of lawlessness, my greatest torment keeps me close to The Lord and fearful of sin and its destructive nature. I’ve talked about before if I can be reborn without this I wouldn’t do it, if I didn’t have it who knows if I would be saved or not. It was those fears of Hell and God that layed dormant for so long that reawakened when I started reading The Bible for myself that made me run to Jesus. Though modivated out of fear nevertheless it played a role in my salvation.
Concerning the Ms I wrestle with how this makes me strong when I’m weak, if I wasn’t fatigued daily I could work full time and do so much more for the church and be a witness to the world. I would gladly work 60+ hours so I can give more to those who need it but my health doesn’t permit that at the moment.
I remember these things daily and I times discouragement sets in and frustration arise. The conclusion I come to is it makes me rely more on Christ. Who knows if I functioned normally if I would lean into him? Chances are I would become like the Ephesus church in The Book of Revelation that were busy and had pure doctrine but they lost their first love for Jesus.
I have this tug of war with wanting to always do for Christ and His Church yet like Spurgeon talked about. I forget Christ through how busy I am! Therefore when I’m weak Jesus is strong, though my flesh thinks otherwise it was good I was afflicted
I’ve been reading Godly men’s accounts that have been long gone but dealt with physical ailments. Robert Murray M’Cheyne is one of them, he lived in the 1800s and his preaching sparked a revival. Nevertheless he suffered from tuberculosis and was bed ridden often and he eventually succumbed to the illness and died at 29. He wanted to preach even more at times but his health wouldn’t permit him to.
Today at work I was pondering if God somehow alerted me that I will die at 29 how much more I would be fervant to serve the kingdom. How much I would see how futile it is to scroll looking at vanity and how fleeting life is, in my heart I want to die young this world has nothing for me prime of life is futile I’m 26 now but what does it profit?
Charles Spurgeon is another one also know as the prince of preachers. It’s easy to glorify man, the most used men of God are the most broken Paul the apostle is a prime example that wrote much of the New Testament. Spurgeon suffered from depression and despair and would even preach in this condition. I related to this because when I start giving messages my mental health declines, but if I’m not using my gifts and burying my talent like the wicked servant I’m convicted and become miserable. But when delivering messages that carry lamentation mourning and woe it’s genuinely depressing.
I feel called to talk about the judgments of God because I see so many people are deceived, especially professing believers. They put Jesus on a shelf and are crossing their fingers that a baptism they did when they were 9 years old is what will save them or hiding behind their family being Christians or even going to church but living like a devil the rest of the week. Having a form of godliness but they deny the power there of. Along with the depart from me verse that so strangled my soul and lead me to to suicide ideations and for me to attempt taking my life, how many people will hear those dreadful words on judgement day: DEPART FROM ME. What an awful convicting truth, how we need to make sure of our election! Men treat their soul like a toy, and think so lightly of eternity.
Do you think it’s fun talking about these things? No I tell you it’s not there’s enough sorrow as is!People look at you like you have 3 heads, so many are deceived and hellbound and don’t seem to care. It makes me remember how deceived I was… going to church and even serving thinking I’m saved but the rest of the week fornicating, reviling (using abusive language towards other) people, making dirty jokes, and just living like a demon. But yes like a poorly painted hypocrite I sing the worship songs and had people speak well of me having a name but being dead! Ah you have made me a fool! Can you not see that Jesus is not a one day thing? You must eat of His Flesh and drink His Blood.
William Cowper was another godly account, he attempted suicide a few times thinking he was reprobate (rejected by God and to be damned) he was a famous hymn writer and was extremely talented though his mind tortured his poor soul. Some writers that researched Him questioned if he had bipolar because he wrote such hymns. His agony drew him to make his art of hymns, where there is agony there is creativity.
He talked about feeling such guilt that he was tempted to destroy himself, that’s what I’m fearful of concerning sexual sin and pornography, my punishment would be for me to end my life and most likely be damned for taking my life. There’s nothing you can tell me to do otherwise, that’s why I’m so afraid of sin and what it would do to me. Either that or I would end up on the streets talking to myself in madness talking to myself thinking that I’m beyond the day of grace.
Cowper would also slash himself in self harm, I hadn’t ever attempted to hurt myself until last year, I had been at the end of myself and didn’t know what else to do. I’ve been free from by the grace of God but nevertheless I relate to those that do.
Another account is John Foxe, he wrote the book of martyrs it’s an account of the saints of God how they were killed for their faith. That man took 15 of his years to write that encouraging book to be faithful onto death. However the toil and him constantly working on that book left his health to deteriorate. This has been a strong encouragement for me, the moment I got saved I’ve never undergone such tormenting experiences and crucifixion of my thoughts and anxieties for my soul.
However I can share in the sufferings of Christ, He was in the garden sweating blood on behalf of me, He knew the horrors and hell He was about to endure being crushed as a sin offering, The Father released all His wrath of His Son, He was treated like a sinner though He wasn’t! He took my hell on the cross, I can only cover my mouth. Nevertheless what I’ve experienced is never close to His agony.
The last account is the Christian rapper Trip Lee he has a song called sweet victory I’ve listen to countless times. However I decided to research what he was dealing with, in his song he talks about how he’s 26 (truly God ministers to His people because I’m 26 now!) and his body hasn’t been working for 7 years.
Turns out he has an illness called chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), an incurable and untreatable condition that drains his energy ironically his song just started playing. Truly The Lord has a sense of humor… this was an encouragement to know other saints are dealing with trials, I relate to the torment of the fatigue. The tears from being so tired, getting into a car accident from falling asleep.
Early mornings when I worked at Kimray almost falling asleep, getting off work tormented by not knowing what on earth was wrong with me, always sleeping when at family outings. The days I spent bed ridden when I came back home to my family, the fatigue along with mourning from sin, and the times I poured out my soul on these blogs. I remember it all, but Christ has remained the same.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 