More Knowledge is More Sorrow

As of late if I’m not anxious I’m sad and when I’m anxious I’m sad, but the worse is when its both, I can barely feel the presence of God and the comfort of The Holy Spirit. My eyes are wasting away from grief and pain.

As a wise man of God said:

“If one is deprived of the joys of the spirit, one will very soon seek the pleasures of the flesh, to help compensate for-his loss.”

This has been my condition lately, looking for the next thrill something to fill the hole. And it’s always coming up lacking, I don’t know what God is doing in heaven. Just starting at me? Who knows.

Little comfort in The Lord and the world doesn’t coax my condition either, if I’m being honest I’m just spiritually immature and can’t say “praise The Lord” in my spirit as we are called to rejoice 24/7 no matter the circumstances.

I can ponder on how Job felt, I suppose trials show where our heart is at concerning this. It’s shown me how embittered I am in my heart, on my days off I’m too tired to even do anything. On days I work I sleep around 12 hours from the pain and wake up with about an hour to spare so I can get ready. It all feels so futile and vain.

As I type these things only myself and God himself knows how bad I want to die. I think about death just about everyday, staying positive doesn’t work. I’m better off trying to pick up a semi, my only hope is God and I feel rejected and dejected by Him, on top of that doubt of salvation that just cripples my soul. I’m too afraid to off myself but if I had confirmation I could do it and still go to heaven I would and I mean that with my entire being, I promise if you are familiar with these things you understand the dire yearning to be set free from the torments internally.

I wish I could’ve worn a heartfelt smile in this world, but most of the time it’s fake. Though I am happy that there are moments I am around loved ones and I forget how I’m feeling like my brothers wedding today, though in the moments of joy I’m all the more grieved in the back of my head because I know when it’s all over the emptiness and pain will return.

Ecclesiastes tells us not to yearn for the “old days” but I find myself doing this, I ponder on 2013 a lot when Black Ops 2 was out and it was my freshman year and it was one of the best years of my life. Or 2015-16 when I just got into making amvs and editing in general and found that as a passion. Or when I was a kid and would play Kingdom Hearts 2 on my PlayStation 2 with no cares in the world.

It’s not like I want to go back, I just yearn for the feeling I felt in those days. I saw one of my classmates at my job and it had been years, they talked about how their married now and life is going well, the more and more I hear from people that their life is just flowing by. Having a family and a substantial job all the more I’m bewildered and puzzled. “They know nothing of these things and it just goes well with them?”

Chances are I’ll never get an explanation, I did talk to a beloved brother at church today about how I felt and I know he understands, he shared his similar emotions and we confided in each other. We talked about how Jesus said He came to give life and it abundant, not materialism but spiritually. The abundant life of one’s sins forgiven and a life full of joy and unity with The Lord.

At best I can crack a painful smile or a fist clenched with anger reading those kinds of texts in scripture. Why can’t I feel this abundant life and love? I do love The Word of God but it truly has been the source of many of my sorrows. Concerning my religious obsessions and despair.

I’m not blaming God for this we live in a fallen world, I just get tired of having an intellectual understanding of scripture and me thinking about it all day but it seems I don’t bear much fruit and am being conformed to the image of Christ more and more.

It’s frustrating feeling like you never make progress, and then I feel condemned because I feel like I’m Pharisaical and always adhering to the lesser things of scripture and ignoring love which loving our neighbor fulfills the entire law. So I’m in this endless loop of studying scripture vigorously (I’ve been stuck like this for years.) and then I’m hit with these thoughts and questions: “have I even thought about loving my neighbor, am I only reading this for intellectual understanding?”

So though I’m engulfed in my studies when these thoughts hit me I get discouraged and sink into despair and stop reading and act as if I never did it. Then I start back it’s a vicious cycle of pain and torment, these reoccurring thought’s won’t leave me. The very thing I do brings me to despair, but when I don’t renew my mind in the word I go astray, more knowledge is more sorrow.