Nobody like her

I don’t know what to even say, I feel like a husk of a man. Like the disregarded kernels of corn, my thoughts are vacant and dimly lit, it’s like The Holy Spirit is barely shining through closed curtains in me. That’s the only light I have, though it’s as if He has departed from me as of late. Could be I’ve driven myself to such hardness of heart that I can barely hear Him anymore, and it makes me sad. I’m not far from a smoldering wick.

I’m embarrassed to talk about how I feel because I feel ashamed for always complaining. I’m afraid to open up because of betrayal, I had to leave work today because I was having a meltdown. It’s crazy when this happens because it’s as of if I lose track of reality. My speech becomes slow, I can barely get my words out because if I slip and say the wrong words I know I’m gonna start crying.

I wanted to kill myself when I left and I gave this serious thought but I couldn’t of course, or I thought to cut myself to release what I’m holding within. It’s as if God has turned His back on me and I’ve been discarded as some refuse but I don’t even care anymore.

I don’t want to go to church, I’m so tired of hearing sermons. I use to listen to hundreds of sermons, I would study and read books until I was sick waiting on God and still waiting, I’ve become dull to the scriptures though amazingly it’s the only thing that goes through my head all day. At this point I’m being obedient with little to no love.

Ah but then when I think about Paul’s chapter from Corinthians 13 comes to mind and how he talks about how he is nothing without Love. So then I think: “do I have love?” Oh it’s just the usual thought process of accusing thoughts when I read scripture so what’s new? And then I think about how so many believers just received joy and fellowship with God when they didn’t have to do half these things. Or how they don’t think about these things. I miss the days of early conversion when I could pick up the Bible and I was shown things out His Law, before the terrors of conscience and trials.

Ah but I make myself not care because if I do it’ll just fill me with rage. In fact that’s probably why my head hurts, tossed to and fro my grief, anger, some hope, then despair. I know I’m called to evangelism but it’s been quite impossible to share Jesus when He’s so far away in my experience.

If people were to ask for my testimony it’s all the more grieving because in my time being saved most of it has been psychological spiritual misery and torture (I’m not saying Christ isn’t the way or Truth but this is my experience.) though I could attribute a lot to Satan and other mental stuff. But when I recall these things I sink within, I have all the right things to say to the lost and other Christians but inside every word I utter is just a blow to my heart.

I also was watching suicide testimony’s of recovering grieving parents. Besides God what stops me from taking my life is my family and friends, I know my mom would refuse to be comforted. I’ve had visions of my funeral and the faces of all my loved ones and their grief, when I consider these things I truly realize the destruction and pain it would cause everyone.

So as I hold onto the hope that this will end I keep these things documented for those suffering and pray God uses it. If I’m one thing it’s that I’m an open book, Paul was open about his former life and how he would persecute Christian’s and sought to destroy the church and then he was saved.

So as believers we ought to tell people the darkness we’ve been set free from. I’ve been sexually immoral, addicted to pornography, hated people, abused pills, partied, and drank and other things. But I was set free from these things, and you can be too.

What hurts so bad is that I think if I was well how much ministry I could do and it’s as if I’m under a debuff and I want to radiate joy instead of misery to give glory to the Father but when I’m reminded that things are like this currently I sink into despair and depression.

That’s my hearts desire, and to one day if possible have a companion with the same strong passions as mine for ministry and God and the scriptures. I’ve been thinking about when I was a kid, the innocence and the simplicity of life.

I think about my classmates and all the people I’ve met. I hope they’re saved, my online friends. The squad’s I was in on mw3 and black ops 2. The times me and Eli would stay up for hours gaming. It’s gone by so fast.

The things I ponder most people have forgotten about, memories that won’t go away, things I can’t forget that hurt. The smallest moments were the biggest for me I hoard euphoric nostalgia.

Rip my heart up through my chest, pull the veins up out my flesh. I will let you down.

I wish things didn’t have to end up this way I said foolish things today in anger to you. I hope you don’t regard me as your enemy.

Never knew I was capable of feeling such emotions, though was short lived not even making 3 months time Those nights looking up at the stars on the bench in the fall indeed I won’t forget. Nor will I forget her kindness extended in one of the worst seasons of my life. Didn’t know I could experience such a thing when the comfort of the Holy Ghost is always gone, and you meet someone special. It’s as of that person becomes the comforter confiding in the creature not the creator is very much could be why the Lord wants me to stay single and die alone.

 I’m a fool for wanting both simultaneously the impossibility of being married and single at the same time. I’m so sad. I’m so joyful. I keep slinging in and out of mania I remember what was not that I wanna go back but if only I could feel how I felt then now my companion is darkness. And my beloved is confusion