Contentment in Others, Grief Within.

Last Sunday I was with a brother at church and when I asked if he was seeing anybody he said he’s enjoying this single season with The Lord and I could see he was filled with genuine joy and I was happy for him.

It’s not that I was envying him I truly was glad, though I try to ignore how I feel and say to myself “wait on The Lord.” I know my heart rages on, most Christians I talk to have joy in their salvation and communion with God, they have contentment.

I must give praise to God that the attacks of the enemy and Scruples about my salvation and me possibly being damned have ceased much and I’ve become able to discern the lies of The Devil. But it’s as if I conquer on thing another pops up, and that being contentment and joy.

I’ve heard a million times to separate faith from feelings but wouldn’t you feel like throwing yourself in a pit when you wake up everyday walking in darkness with no light yet STILL day after day and year after year having to be patient and trust God? I relate to Job cursing the day of His birth because being a stillborn must be a better fate than to feel like this.

So though I know Christ is the source of living water I rather hewn together broken cisterns that can hold no water since it’s as if He’s hidden His face from me since I’ve been saved. How can I put into words the grief and rage I feel with this continually going on? Oh that’s right I can’t.

So I jump the gun and seek relationships out of Gods timing and I make people laugh to curb the pain and fill my mind with vain things and drown myself in gaming to fill the hole in my heart and other countless things. And if and when I fall into sin I’m filled with even more self hatred, and then I recall “I need more discipline.”

I recall how a few years ago when I was living the most disciplined I’ve ever lived and didn’t even have an hour of screen time, stopped playing video games, went to bed on time, and always worked onto The Lord I was still miserable in this life. So then I think if I go back to this strict way of living I’ll be miserable again.

And then I think it was probably obsessions that got me to even live like this. Though I truly sought to honor The Lord in my conduct obedience without Love is miserable. So I’m tossed too and fro all the day long and though I think to dive into all sorts of iniquity and uncleanness to live the life of a profligate I know this is foolish and will grieve me and The Holy Ghost.

How I would trade all my belongings to have joy in my salvation in Christ! I’ve even tried to be homeless, I’ve sold most of my belongings, I fasted, and went on such a strict diet that you could see my bones, and tried to kill myself. None of these things worked to no avail.

Yet the believer who’s never even thought to go to such lengths aren’t afflicted with these things. In fact the least of their afflictions are trivial it seems like “no I’ve never felt like that.” That must be nice, truly. So even if they are overcome with a fiery trial to know that you have The Lord and He knows you and He’s your strength and joy of course they can overcome!

Though I have no excuse for sin I grumble and complain all day. How it’s hard not to! I’m sick of this, year after year. I’m blessed with somewhere to lay my head, and food but all these things are nothing without Jesus and the comfort of salvation.

So if anyone is reading this, pray for me. That’s all I can say. Seeing others in spiritually prosperity makes me realize how poor mine is. So when I tell myself I won’t speak about Christ anymore His Word burns in my heart and bones.

On a random note I have been terrorizing the crucible on destiny 2 with my Titan once again. Another thing I’m grateful for is at my eye appointment they found out my eyes are misaligned and that’s what’s causing these headaches and constant neck pain so they have this new technology that has corrective lenses and I’m happy to get that to help with the pain.

I also am going to get an MRI follow up done on my brain, I completely forgot but when I was around 15 I was having seizures and they scanned my brain back then and they found polyps back then so I’m going to do a follow up. I’m hoping there can be some type of finding that could possibly explain some things.

I saw that it can cause mood issues and fatigue, well I’m always tired to begin with and feel sick constantly as is (probably just depression and anxiety the usual nonsense.) but if there is some kind of finding to explain some things that would be great.

I’m serving at church right now in the sound booth and I can’t explain the emptiness I feel right now. My brains could get blown out right now and it would be a win for me, everyone is so happy and smiling. Like I said I can only laugh at this point, God has been to me a deceitful brook and turns His Hand against me all the day. There’s no comfort for me.

I’m convinced that God holds me in derision all day long. Why pray to have my prayer shut out everyday? And it seems like the letter only kills me when I read. In fact I could be given all my hearts desires right now but without joy be absolutely miserable. To hell with riches and material things. Ah along with that I have the world, the flesh, and the devil as my enemies.

I will say in all this. I still have my faith, Jesus is everything to me. I haven’t denied Him nor can I (where will I go.) I’ve grumbled and said harsh things to The Almighty in such rage and hardness of heart. I deserve to be killed but He won’t do it, I’m broken and hurt and just want peace. The agony of these past 4 years are inexplainable, aren’t my desire open to you Lord?

One day perhaps God will address the self hatred I feel about myself one day.