Tragedy

I don’t even know what to type anymore, all I do is complain. I’m so sick of living this futile life, if only God can wipe me out. I hate the things I think about, I don’t believe God has kind thoughts towards me it can’t be. I keep imagining my dead body somewhere, the funeral, the crying. All of it, people say I’ve helped them and Ive been used by God but I simply don’t see it.

I feel decent one day and have fellowship with Christ and the next doom seizes my soul. I’m so sick of this damn life. I’m ready to either drink myself to death or make somebody kill me or some other freak accident, or my body be hanged at the gallows.

I want to run into all kinds of heinous villainy and sin, so I can indulge in wickedness even though I know the stupidity and folly of it. The day I was born is a curse, I just had to be conceived why couldn’t I have never been born? God treats me like some toy how can I stretch my hands out for help when there is none?

I’m in church right now and feel like the biggest idiot and fool. Everyone is so joyful and raising their hands, what I wonder what it’s like to have joy in one’s salvation. How I’m doing? I’m doing awful I want to blow my brains out. What I want for prayer? You can’t pray for my death since I haven’t been healed of this hell on earth.

I’m filled with indignation when I hear sermons preached because it’s just not active in my life. I don’t feel anything but sorrow and pain, the wicked have no peace like it says so am I with their portion in the flames of hell? I’ve been wanting to stop coming to church completely and run with Gentiles and just drown everything out.

All I would do is complain to the saints and who has time for that? I’m so angry with God and frustrated and sick of it all, then again what man can complain in the sight of His sin? Like it says in Lamentations. Why read what makes me feel even more condemned? Unless it’s sorrowful prayers of the prophets and pain, the beatitude’s make me feel condemned. And the epistles of John and Paul just make me feel worse.

And I have this daily case of denying my flesh even though I’m left with little reward. All I won’t is joy and not to feel like this. Why? Why Why? And what’s the point in saving up money? This is why apart from my family I would be homeless. I can barely work and I’m 25 it’s so stupid. People are graduating and starting life and I’m stuck doing nothing. It’s cursed beyond belief my hatred and anger for it is as big as the sea yes it does me well be angry! Angry enough to die.

I don’t yearn for my past but I enjoyed ignorance before coming to this. Or when I first came to the faith these feelings and thoughts didn’t afflict me. What else can I do but eat drink and tomorrow I die? I play Warzone to drown out everything even though I’m not even enjoying myself.