Judas Iscariot (the one who betrayed Jesus) has been in hell the past 2,000 years. And that makes me tremble and grieves my heart. He was called “A SON OF DESTRUCTION” and he was a thief and though he followed Jesus He didn’t actually believe in Him.
After trading him for 30 pieces of silver it says he “repented himself” or He was remorseful. I can’t help but think I’m remorseful myself but I wonder if it’s genuine. There’s a worldly sorrow and a Godly sorrow the scriptures says, the example of Judas has stopped me from killing myself along with the perpetual fear of God and my soul be damned in hell.
It’s not that I seek to be completely sinless or perfection I just want peace. These thoughts don’t go away, I can’t stand the thought of myself. I’ve thought about drinking myself to death but I’m afraid. I’ve thought about doing drugs to numb the pain just seeking something to fill the void. The Holy Spirit has left me alone it feels like the one called the “comforter” there has been no peace.
I’ve wanted to run headlong into all kinds of sin and and wickedness just for the thrill and just to feel something. My entire mind is numb to anything, the letter kills like it says and reading scripture kills me. The thought of God makes me tremble and fills me with terror.
I don’t know what to think about anymore, what’s the point of money if you are in such torture? I don’t want to even evangelize because what in the world do I even say without going on an absolute tangent and a complete meltdown. I’ve even had the thought if I encounter some cop trying to harass me to provoke him and I be gunned down.
If an angel from heaven said I could go right now I would leave this entire world behind. And if I knew I could see Jesus I would take my own life. Save your tears and rejoice that I’m no longer in this world if something were to happen to me.
The Lord says He will grant you the desires of your heart. Well my desire is death, I don’t care to live a long age to have a family and get a house along with a dog. It’s all vanity, what at best I live to be 90? Then to the grave I go. Food is loathsome to me, the taste and smell of certain things make me feel sick.
In fact I feel sick. One could say suicide is selfish, but I understand why people do it. In fact I would say it’s better to never be born, how could I bring children into this world on the slight chance they experience the same thing? It says Judas went to His own place.
That’s how I feel I want to go to my own place, I’m tired of discussing scripture I’m tired of faking it. My faith feels like a fraud, I pray but to what avail? If it’s continually shut out by God then why did it? I don’t care what happens to me. If you can pray for me pray for my healing immediately or death, my mind body and soul can’t take this through my life.
