Was about to start rehearsal for this musical I did for my other home church for the videography and photography today it was great fellowship and worship, was recalling last October and everything that happened. It’s as if I’ve been more free and encaged in my life
I can give full vent concerning creative outlet and getting the gospel out there, I like making people smile and laugh at absurdity and utterly ridiculousness things in presentations and in conversation when manic or if it’s joy I can’t even tell, but also caged up in my head I am alone I am never alone.
Behind it all is just a shattered vessel utterly broken just held together by dopamine and God if I’m actually a son, people never doubt their salvation but I’m stuck everyday in my damn head the mental crucifixion where by best bet and honest summary is for me to just finally be able to die.
This summer was one of the most fun and tragic ones, doing my first vlog with MILS one of my close friends (in early summer time, people in my hometown thinking even now there’s something there when she’s literally like a sister bruh.) and I was getting into live band gigs seeing if that could be another path but that just wasn’t it.
Apart of me doing these concerts and shoots I would look at all these people in the clubs and venues knowing I won’t see them again and vise versa just hoping to God they can be saved and wondering if eternity has even crossed their mind.
Apart of me was having fun and I was but it was a genuine coverup on how empty and melancholic I was inside I just wanted a hug and to just feel seen I was never really alone namely that I had nobody but there was no real way to express the pain.
I’ve busy to distract myself and like one brother I talked to “to keep the demons at bay” I’ve been smitten more than any other created creature on this earth, I think about God all day but i do not know if I’m in His thoughts at all or if I’m a son or just reprobate. God I wish I could die
Some days the best dosage of hope is an episode with prescriptions to calm me down and by the grace of God I don’t abuse when I formerly did when I had seizures. I’m tired of the ms tired of waking up tired of school, truly I enjoy it, it’s just me I’m tired of dealing with the delusions that I’m a burden and unlikable people will tell me good things about my idk how to recieve because in my eyes I’ve become the tide of the deeps just roaming everywhere and nowhere at once.
I’m alone at this hour there is no comfort expect this old SoundCloud Oliver song that has me feeling some kind of way. I want love and I’m afraid of love, it’s not that I regret love I regret my capacity to love.
I don’t have plans to lay hands upon myself to destroy myself but I don’t wanna wake up in the morning, I didn’t ask for any of it.
It’s all a farce and a coverup the busyness editing and creating the presentations it comes from a real place to share Him to a lost world but doing it im still miserable while I see others don’t undergo these afflictions. Clearly He has favorites and I’m over it. I’m I saved or be damned because if I’m lost my life and faith is futile.
I don’t positivity mask I literally can’t but mania and rapid cycling help me forget these pains. I don’t even have a reason directly without giving more than an hour of the pain and I’m not basting in that it’s just bad boshdtdb…
Ha… I fell asleep typing that, joy comes in the morning I’m feeling better thank Christ.
Never mind it was just a dopamine boost of the VYVANSE and I’m back and where is help from God? Nowhere he’s not a present help he relishes in my pain. God above on my life if there were no hell I’d put one in the dome before anyone could even catch notice and I would not give a damn if anyone was sad. I’m nobody I create to numb and I hate this life
