A few days ago I was about to take a nap and I imagined myself being at the bottom of the ocean, for some reason at times I imagine this and it utterly terrifies me. The pitch blackness and vastly unaware of what’s going on if I were to be down there.
And then another thought flooded my mind: “How dark is hell then?” I shut my eyes and then imagined the pitch blackness of that place and I was gripped with horror as if I got the smallest taste of it. I wouldn’t say it was a vision but more of a sensation of absolute dread that came over me in that moment I imagined how dark it would be I can’t describe it well. Nevertheless it was awful and I thought I was going to start yelling and losing it if I kept experiencing what I felt thought it was only for a few seconds.
The feeling of that: “darkness that could be felt.” Men in history have tried to depict through artwork what hell will look like and be like but there is no sufficient words truly I tell you. In fact there wont be any light in that place since God is the Father of Lights, in the lake of fire Gods mercy and grace is withdrawn and only His wrath against sinners is in that awful place.
And if that sensation I felt was just the smallest bit of what it’ll be like then how awful will it be for the damned? I can’t stop thinking about how many are deceived and lost, I’m grieved for people my age not following Jesus. I use to sell my soul like a prostitute for this world it only asked for more and more and I freely gave and in exchange received more sin but it was utterly empty.
I speak from experience because it’s what I use to do, not coming from a place of self righteousness but heartache. Evangelism can get discouraging not seeing immediate results I can blame that on my own carnality of instant gratification and things happening quick for me.
Though I know this it’s still frustrating and disheartening, you want to shake someone into belief but this is not our job it’s The Spirits. You’ll reason with someone about sin and the coming judgement and once the conversations over it’s as if life resumes for the person and the conversation was shrugged off.
If people could only see that their are cutting at a thin wire their walking on and destruction is beneath them. All the more that in America we have all sorts of comforts and pleasures, it’s no wonder that eternity is the last thing on peoples minds. Or like I once was they profess faith in Jesus but they practice lawlessness (sin).
Indeed I am bowed down within and my soul remembers these things everyday, though I want to laugh and act as if these things aren’t true or real my conscience won’t permit me to believe a lie.
If somehow me dying could help save my lost family and friends I would do it gladly. I’ve been humbled continually in this season of life, concerning the MS that I deal with I’ve been a corpse somedays it seems. The fatigue is torment, no amount of sleep is enough. Along with the occasional swinging in and out of mania and then the crash that comes after.
I started treatment for the MS and am taking meds now but the medication as of late hasn’t been working as it use to so it’s as if the old patterns of sleeping all the time have resumed.
I yearn to work full time so I can make more money and give back to the saints and help those who need it, and do all sorts of ministry for the gospel but my health won’t permit it. Satan will whisper all sorts of awful things that I’m a loser and that God isn’t well pleased with me and I’m indeed nobody and making these things up.
At times I believe these lies but when I come to my senses I denounce them in Jesus name, I’ve been given a new name and my identity is in Christ not in what it do. It’s all I think about and I want to do as much as I can to show people the way to life and warn of the coming judgment nothing else matters but for people to make it to eternal life.
It’s hard for me to believe that when I’m weak I’m Strong. Because in my mind I think: When I’m strong I’m strong. However God has permitted these things to be so for His Glory. It could be if The Lord left us to our strength and prosperity we would forget him.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
-Psalm 73:26
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 