I was convicted about a besetting sin in my life and the verse from the psalms that says: “Don’t rebuke me in your wrath!” came to mind. David (the writer) is knowing that he deserves divine discipline but he is asking for mercy and leniency. Have you felt the blows from the carpenter for rebuke of sin? They hurt unlike any other bruise or affliction.
I was pleading with God to not utterly press His hand onto me for my sin and by His grace He didn’t discipline me severely though I felt His rebuke still and conviction He was lax and I thank God and have learned my lesson, I’m tired from the fatigue from the MS lately and added on severe discipline from The Lord I truly couldn’t take it and He knew least I have sorrow upon sorrow.
I’m such a fool, I doubt that I’m saved yet when I fall into sin it’s common sense that The Holy Spirit lives in me because I know His grief and conviction. When I was lost I could care less about sin in fact I embraced it, but yet I doubt so much.
Another verse had dropped in my heart last night at my shift where it talks about the unspiritual man doesn’t understand the things of God I trembled at a thought: what about the unsaved men that understands the spiritual things of God?
There are no contradictions in scripture but my flesh was thinking that there was concerning this verse but this is why context is important when reading The Word. I compared that verse to what it says in 1st Corinthians:
“And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”
-1 Corinthians 13:2
It’s a startling fact that you can know and understand scripture and still be damned in the end and Christ say:
“I never knew you Depart from Me!“
It’s not about how much you know but a relationship with Jesus. Yes I can say that easily but in my heart I truly doubt my condition. Yes I sound like an utterly broken record but these are the conditions of my heart.
I regret having gifts of knowledge and prophesy (preaching) at times it makes me angry in fact. In my head all the day I think how I have all the right things to say and the scriptures as guidance but The Lord seems so far in my heart and I can only deduce it to intellectual only faith. Couldn’t I have been born as someone with different gifts?
I’ve met so many brethren full of joy and assurance and aren’t burdened with overthinking these things. They may not know much scripture but they bear so much fruit and have abundant joy but I’m stuck feeling like a complete idiot. How I would take the fruit of The Spirit over knowledge any day! More knowledge is more sorrow.
Should I compare my condition to other brethren? By no means I shouldn’t but I there’s times I can’t help it and it makes me want to utterly withdraw myself and go to my own place like Judas did. And all the more it gets worse because if I’m not utilizing my gifts divine discipline comes because I’m not utilizing the time and being a faithful steward.
My heart is in tatters and I’m utterly confused on the inside. I feel like a fraud and I wonder if I really am? I suppress these things all the day and make myself busy so I don’t have to think about it. Will assurance come one day? Will the confusion end? It’s like things go so well and another set of darkness overtakes me. It’s my wish to die at this exact moment.
Nevertheless I am grateful The Lord did spare me from striking me down in His discipline how abundant is the mercy of Christ! I deserved a severe beating rightfully so for my sin but he gave me a light beating instead, He was moved with compassion at my petition and plea for mercy . I have tasted and seen that The Lord is Good very Good in fact…
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 