Freedom

I’ve been processing so much since my last blog, there’s been so much liberty and restoration. I had backslidden quite heavy in 2024 and was becoming lukewarm, mainly in the areas of making gaming an idol and lust especially. By Gods Grace I was kept away from looking upon unspeakable things but that doesn’t excuse my impure-thoughts.

I kept resisting The Holy Spirit in my own stubborn rebellious heart and it’s no wonder I was so miserable. The Almighty’s Hand was heavy on me continually, when I finally let go of gaming there were so many strongholds released in my life. Especially concerning my mental health and other vises that cling to us so easily. I was able to throw off the sins and distractions of this life that cling to us so easily and run the race of Faith looking unto Jesus The Author of our salvation.

I’ve uttered some harsh things against Christ as if things were His fault but they weren’t and never are. I refuse to say that He hasn’t been good to me. I would be warring with Satan and his angels and through much warfare and unbelief (thinking God hates me.) would fall into self pity and doubt of salvation along with certain obsessional thoughts of specific scriptures making me feel condemned (the parable of the 10 virgins was bothering me greatly.)

Men of the faith that went before me have added more flames to the fire in heart I can say in a good conscience I’m ready to die for Christ. Like doubting Thomas said: “let us die with him” I’m convinced that God is so holy and just that even if He threw me into hell I wouldn’t say it was His fault, Christ owes me nothing.

I’ll be 27 this year truly youth is vanity and fleeting. I want to live everyday like it’s my last, and give men the gospel to a dying world, concerning this blog I’ll be shifting into posting devotionals and things The Lord has put on my heart. Scrupulosity (Religious OCD) will still be a recurring theme on this blog but it won’t be the main topic all the time,

I’ve more so posted about my own lamentations and trials with scrupulosity/religious ocd and I believe it’ll serve a purpose for those in similar trials and will comfort in their afflictions. The designs of the devil are many and one of them is to keep Gods people distracted and utterly fall into Lukewarmness. Man cannot serve God and possessions! The world dresses itself in a way like a harlot that seeks to pull the man of God away from Jesus.

I tremble and rejoice that The Lord was able to deliver me from the snare of entertainment becoming an idol. It’s like I was bewitched like the Galatians and God had to wake me up, the more and more I kept quenching the Holy Spirit and ignoring him and me continuing to play video games for hours the worse my condition became. The things of this world leave the soul vacant and dry, and whatever pleasure you draw from it will fade away eventually.

I’ve been wrestling with intellectualism of the gospel, namely looking at Christ as a truth and not a person. I’ve had to mourn and ask for grace to overcome this, I also find myself being like the Ephesus church that “left my first love” being pure in doctrine but dry in Christ. My soul remembers these things everyday and is bowed down within me.

As Spurgeon said: “I have had to weep over my barrenness and mourn because I have sometimes labored for Christ and yet forgotten Christ Himself.”

I’ve had so many tears and sorrow because though I have sound doctrine and truth when proclaiming the gospel Jesus feels so far away, I yearn for the comfort The Holy Spirit, though there’s been healing and restoration through my backsliding there’s been such darkness upon my soul concerning my communion with Jesus.

Last night with the brethren at church with the topic being freedom ironically I saw the saints of God pouring out their hearts and how the brethren and Christ have helped their soul and they had such joy along with worship. But the only continually thoughts going through my head were if I’m saved or not or if I only view Jesus as truth and not a person. Does Christ even know me? Or am I just a deceived religious hypocrite? I couldn’t get out my head.

And then I thought how though I study so much along with prayer the comfort of The Holy Spirit seems distant. I don’t understand what I’m missing, I ponder if it’s scruples bothering me or Satan trying to hinder me. Nevertheless I left that night sorrowful. As the night carried on the sorrow became embitterment and then rage and after despair, I threw everything at God in prayer and then I fell asleep with no hope, my spirit was broken.

Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning, although when I finally woke up for work I felt like a corpse for the first part of the day, nevertheless God who comforts the downcast though they didn’t know my coworkers and people I encountered help lift my spirits and see the light in the darkness. The Lord is kind if I die tonight I couldn’t be nothing but transparent apparently You care for me like a parent.

The scene where Bjorn is talking to askeladd in Vinland Saga before Bjorn dies has been on my mind. Like Bjorn said all he wanted to be was friends with askeladd, in the deepest crevices of my heart. All I wanted to be is friends with Jesus, He’s the creator of the universe, His teachings are perfect and He’s the strongest man that ever lived yet is gentle and humble even though He’s God.

I look up to Him even though there’s a chance He hates me from the bottom of His Heart.

More than heaven or hell I just want to be friends with Christ, I wish I could sit down with Him in person. Tell all my trials and horrors of consciousness and how His words drove me to attempt to take my life and how I was on the brink of losing my mind nevertheless I know it wasn’t His fault. I would tell Him how lonely I feel shouldering everything on my own, and hating myself and regretting being born.

Ultimately it’s God who gives and takes life, in those final moments of my life spent on earth with eternity set before me. I imagine myself thinking of the other saints of God and the fellowship we shared: the Bible studies and the trials we walked through with each other, my friends, classmates and all the memories and adventures in Guthrie growing up, the amv brethren. The heartfelt nights spent with online friends gaming and on discord, the fellowship with other believers, the laughs. My family and our times full of laughs and good times.

I would be afraid wondering if I’m deceived, I would be full of joy knowing that I’m going to finally see Christ. Jesus will be present in heaven and hell, as it says in revelation: “He will be tormented with fire and sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb” so even if I be damned at least I will still see Christ though I be engulfed in the flames of hell.

I would think about The Word and all the times The Holy Spirit brought things to my remembrance, I would think about my lost friends that don’t have Christ and would pray for their salvation. I would think about how the day I left home and decided to be homeless so I could possibly die and how my parents supernaturally found me as The Lord lead them there.

I just wanted to be friends.