Descent into Darkness & The Steadfast Love of The Lord

An angel could come from heaven and tell me that I’m not headed for hell and I probably wouldn’t believe it, it would take Christ to physically step out of heaven once again and talk to me face to face to comfort my soul. A perverse generation asks for a sign but I’m befit of peace.

There isn’t a sufficient way to express the torment. In my mind I’m awaiting my sentence to hell if I’m going there, my existence is fighting off these thoughts or believing that I’m actually saved and that Christ is with me. Theres no amount of gaming nor music or entertainment that will get these thoughts to leave, my existence is a prison. I’ve noted these things on this blog on the chance that I see a miracle, the miracle me being delivered from this because I have little to no faith that I’ll be delivered from this peril. In fact it’ll be a miracle if I do.

I slept over 12 hours last night just now waking up, I can’t do it. If I’m headed for the lake of fire what does it profit me to be awake? Where is God? I look left and he’s not there I look right and I don’t see Him. I’m disgusted with my sin. Today I thought about the long suffering and how understanding my job has been on the days I had to call in or leave early from the tormenting thoughts and me at the verge of losing it. Could it be that God actually isn’t angry at me? Is he really not angry?

I compare God to humans so easily, it says His thoughts are above ours and aren’t like ours in Isaiah. I compare His thoughts to mine too much, it’s so hard for me to believe in His love for me because if I was Him I would’ve been done with me long ago.I wrote the beginning part of this blog a few days ago, it’s not as heavy as it was but nevertheless I am still gonna let it post for the sake of a test and trials with scrupulosity. And a reminder that God delivered me from these torments.

The sermons and those I’ve heard talk about scrupulosity usually affects people in their early to mid 20’s, I believe Martin Luther & John Bunyan overcame their trials when they were around 30. I’m praying it won’t last long, ERP (exposure therapy) has been a helpful remedy to OCD.It’s basically exposing yourself to the obsessional fear that is afflicting you to dull it in your mind. The Christian isn’t meant to go through trials alone, you need the brethren namely the church to comfort and guide with wisdom. I’ve had various believers pour into me and help guide me along the way.

My pastor preached a sermon on Joel talking about the day of the Lord. A text that stood out to me was: “I will repay you for the years eaten by locusts— the swarming locust, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust — My great army that I sent against you.”
‭‭Joel‬ ‭2‬:‭25‬ ‭

To judge Israel for going astray in their sin Christ sent locusts to devour their crops as discipline but in His mercy He said He would redeem those years of devouring. Pastor Rodney expounded on how Satan has taken away precious time from Gods people. I’m seeing this take place before my very eyes currently, all the years of absorbing myself in gaming and missing out on family and rather serving my own passions along with my gross idolatry and fornication. Ever since I went back home after my divorce I’ve had this time continually redeemed with family and those heartfelt moments missed out on.

When I see other people who cannot walk especially the brethren I get humbled with my complaining and grumbling along with self pity. There’s always someone who has it worse or in general deal with afflictions. People on the other side of the planet only making a days wages of one dollar or a few cents not knowing when their next meal will be while we’re over here with more than enough.

So in the new covenant with Christ how much more will His Grace abound in my sin, I get so introspective that I’m blinded by the verses on the Grace of God and only see the verses pertaining to wrath and Gods hatred towards the unbelieving. (Only God can justly hate and love people justly and perfectly simultaneously) In those tormenting moments Grace and hidden from me all I see is wrath, the cross I see but I see it as sufficient for others and not myself.

The book of lamentations has been heartfelt to me in this time Jeremiah is lamenting over Israel’s destruction because of their sin once again. There’s one thing I just noticed that’s so obvious, as much as God punished Israel when they would serve other gods He would always have the promise of His mercy and love. As it says in the psalms his anger is but for a moment.

As Jeremiah wrote in Lamentations: “He has ground my teeth with gravel and trampled me in the dust. My soul has been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My strength has perished, along with my hope from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and wandering, the wormwood and the gall. Surely my soul remembers and is humbled within me. Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the loving devotion of the Lord we are not consumed, for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!”
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭23‬ ‭

In His discourse Jeremiah is talking about the grief The Lord has caused Him (or it’s a form of expression of how He felt and felt as if Jesus was His enemy.) His hope has perished and he is in despair, I feel this on my worst days. I had been on the up and up and then despair took over and I was bedridden for days. I couldn’t muster the strength to get up, if I be damned and God hates my soul what does it profit me to get out this bed? I was sleeping the sleep of death like the psalmist said.

He asks The Lord to REMEMBER his wanderings and afflictions. When the believer is afflicted we can either wander or go to God, this wandering could be going to sin and the world for comfort and overall turning our face from God. God understands and knows that we are but dust and we are prone to wander, there’s an old hymn that talks about our wanderings.

He also asks The Lord to remember His afflictions, Jesus became a man even though He was God. He knows what it’s like to be afflicted and tempted by sin even though He never sinned like we do. Afflictions can be a fiery trial or chastisement for sin or just in general having something wrong with our body or a chemical imbalance namely mental illness.

He’s asking The Lord to remember and to know these things and He does! I believe my lowest loneliest and lowest point was when I went to my truck on my break at work and started cutting and crying. There was no comfort to be found. Even if in unbelief I didn’t think He remembered my afflictions in those moments His word says that did.

The saints of God have to call out to God to remember, this is communing with Him and asking for His love and grace in our trials and journey on earth. Jeremiah also says he has forgotten prosperity or in modern terms “the good times and moments.”

On the dark nights of the soul one should recall The Lords many gifts and the gift of life especially. But I know that this is easier said than done when the believer is in despair, it’s easy to become miserable comforters like Jobs friends.

Though not easy it’s good to recall what we have, as Jimbei gave his speech to Luffy after Ace died He can’t get back what he lost but he still had his crew-mates that loved him dearly.

Jeremiah was in such disarray and misery that hope in the Lord was gone, on top of not being able to recall good things and blessings. In God we move and have our very being, without this hope we have nothing. As Paul said if our only hope is in Christ we are of all man most to be pitied.

The Christian without Christ is utterly nothing, there no point in being alive without Jesus. There’s no sufficient words to describe the darkness of those days where God has hidden his face and seems to be against the believer. God is our Shepard and source of strength, when this strength is taken away all that remains is a mere husk of a man. Jeremiah is asking The Lord to remember these utterly pitiful circumstances and trials in his life as a believer in YAHWEH.

But there’s always hope in the darkest of nights as He continued in His discourse: Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the loving devotion of the Lord we are not consumed, for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!”

Most of this book is lamenting and sorrow but just these words alone shine in the darkness, there is always grace, Jeremiah recalls the promises of God. This is what we have to do continually, one of Satan’s devices is to hide the believer from Grace.

He will paint God as a villain ready to crush you the moment you sin, I was getting tramped upon by the enemy a few weeks ago when I was bedridden and mentally shot. The accuser was hurling all sorts of accusations about my sin and how I can’t go to God because He is angry with me. It’s insane how in the moments I just forget the scripture pertaining to grace and it’s either the Matthew 7 depart from me verse that comes to mind or other frightening verses are dropped onto my heart with poison that spreads to my whole body.

I don’t want to fall into despair nor sin anymore, I yearn for the day I’ll be free from it all. Truly I tell you I would rather go to hell with no sin than go to heaven with sin yes and amen.

I’ve noticed a pattern when I’m in despair when I get around Gods people a lot of it goes away temporarily and peace flows in. It’s when I’m alone that the attacks on the mind tend to return, truly I tell you the Christian life is one not meant to be done alone. Though I tend to forget this in those dark moments, I am afraid.