Relational OCD & Despair

It’s been nice to have energy at last, I feel like a human again, the medication to help with fatigue from MS has helped tremendously. Since I could remember I’ve been fearful of rejection and disappointing others, it’s no suprise that when I got saved I was continually fearful of God. Afraid that in His wrath He will at the end throw me in hell.

OCD has leaked into my personal life and my faith and caused all sorts of havoc and destruction, especially concerning my personal relationships. Fearful of coming off as a creep when seeking a relationship, or since I haven’t talked to a friend in a few days thinking that they’re through with me now. Or the worst obsessional fear is concerning God, wondering if His wrath abides on me continually.

The Scripture says if we are burning with passion we need to seek a spouse, God is my witness that I wish I had the gift of singleness. You can serve The Lord much more and the married man will have worldly troubles as it says.

Though I would pray those prayers for singleness I know I can’t fool God, my lips asked for one thing while my heart yearned for what I really want. Who can know the heart? God of course, though when I recall my past relationships it’s only torment I recall due to Relational OCD.

Newport defines it as: type of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person constantly questions their relationship or their partner’s qualities. Everyone can doubt in a relationship, but the person with OCD goes to extreme lengths to quell their obsessional thoughts with absurd compulsions.

An example is a guy having obsessional thoughts with his girlfriend cheating on him so he texts her from another number posing as another guy to see if she’ll hang out with him or do something otherwise, though she obviously doesn’t take the bait this only temporarily quells the obsessional thoughts and once again the obsessions return.

Another symptom is unrealistic expectations in relationships, such as one meeting their spouse needs to be compared to something out of a movie and over dramatic like a romantic drama of some sort. This leads to disappointment and unmet expectations and causes discord and destruction in the relationship.

In past relationships my conscience was so tinder, weak, and delicate it was a torment to even be dating or with anyone. When I used to be married this lady from my job gave me a pen she had and I liked how it wrote because I was big into pens at the time, I accepted it as a gift but later my heart struck me and I wondered if I was cheating since I accepted the pen from her.

So I threw the pen in the trash took it back out cause I figured it wasn’t actually cheating, but then I thought it was cheating so I threw it back in the trash. I at last was going to grab it once again but I left it in the trash this time.

This leaked into not only my past marriage at the time but into anyone I got into a relationship with, I would have obsessional thoughts if I’m being cheated on or if a long text meant they are mad at me. Or if wondering they are “The One” It always was fueled by fear, and no matter what I do those thoughts came back strong.

Another symptom is overthinking small gestures, an example is a woman who has a man hold the door open for her she instantly gets the intrusive thought that that’s her future husband so she is tormented wondering how to approach him and hoping he talks to her.

There’s also the need of constant reassurance from your significant other that they love you and are with you. Another trait is an extreme attachment to your partner and strong emotions towards them, I’ve seen this in my life. It could be a short time where my feelings go strong and quickly towards them. To the point where it honestly hurts. (Nothing cursed like stalking and anything weird like that.)

I believe why I do this is because I can physically see that someone cares for me romantically. I’m seeking to fill that hole that only God can fill, half the time I’m busy fighting to believe that God loves me and not seeing Him as this angry judge ready to destroy me. I’m weary of it, my thoughts about God aren’t always fear there are times the scrupulous thoughts go away and I truly believe that God loves me.

But I’m walking on egg shells half the other time, nothing can fill the Fathers Love towards His children. But as Ernest Latko said: “If one is deprived of the joys of the spirit, one will very soon seek the pleasures of the flesh, to help compensate for his loss.”

I find myself at a loss for His Love so when I get in a relationship where I can tangibly experience someone’s love for me that relationship becomes idolatry, I’m a fool. I trust another person rather than God, I can only throw myself onto the mercy of God for my sin.

So therefore being in a relationship is torment enough in itself. So though I say I prefer singleness my heart says otherwise. I’m weary of all of this, weary of doubt then joy comes and it fades away. I got medicine for the MS to help with the fatigue and then depression and despair comes into the picture. It’s like I can’t win. Sickness a man can endure but what of a crushed spirit?

I can’t tell if it’s mental stuff or me just becoming hardened and dull to spiritual things, last night was prayer meeting at the church and I was not in tune with the worship. My thoughts were on worldly things and secular music was in my head with other random carnal thoughts I roam like an iPhone without a signal.

I don’t care if this is the end, God knows my every thought and motive if I could die right now I wouldn’t care. Cursed be the day I was born, let it not remembered nor talked about. I tremble thinking about the wicked, while those that went to hell are remembered for now in the land of the living there’s coming a day from what I’ve seen from scripture that they won’t be remembered.

As it says in the Proverb: The memory of the righteous is blessed, But the name of the wicked will rot. I believe the righteous will be able to see the damned in the lake of fire, as it says in Isaiah:

““As they go forth, they will see the corpses of the men who have rebelled against Me; for their worm will never die, their fire will never be quenched, and they will be a horror to all mankind.””
‭‭

I have thoughts of loved ones and the brethren from church looking at me from heaven and while I’m I torment though they have no memory of me: “Who is that poor soul? I don’t know him.” These things are ever before me in the back of my mind.

There’s a homeless man I’ve become acquainted with and he deals with hearing voices in his head and is greatly afflicted by it. When I see those destitute of their daily needs and in poverty I can’t help but think why does scum like me get blessed with somewhere to sleep at night and not worried about where I’m going to get my next meal from.

The parable of the rich man and Lazarus comes to mind (I don’t feel like explaining it.) I’m sorry for this world and what sin has done to everybody and everything, Satan running rampant blinding people from the gospel of Jesus and their poor souls headed to hell. And if I’m saved why have I received mercy and they haven’t?

Formerly when I left home and tried to become homeless I was at the end of myself I didn’t even know where I was going. I just hoped I would die somewhere, I’m still tempted to try it again and probably slowly lose my mind and drive myself mad and become some deranged street preacher in the back of my head hoping I get martyred. But when I consider the grief it would cause family and friends I don’t do it.

I find it hard why people want me around, as I’ve mentioned before I try to curb the pain with humor and making people laugh, in those short moments it makes me forget how I feel and I enjoy it. Or I just play world of Warcraft classic. But when I consider the parable of the 10 virgins I’m fearful that I will be one of the foolish ones since I’m not full of The Holy Spirit.

So that leads me to think what if I renounce any worldly pleasures I have and just read, work, and pray? I did that already and I was a sick wretch everyday at the brink of going mad. I’m saved by Faith through Grace but those verses still bother me.

And then I consider those that have the same mental trials I bear or are mentally ill and unstable in general, many of them don’t have relatives to take care of them and they end up homeless and deranged. I know in my heart if I didn’t have the family and support I had I would be homeless in the streets or would’ve taken my life long ago.

I think of believers that have scrupulosity (religious ocd) and were so tormented that they ended up committing suicide. Did they perish eternally or did The Lord have mercy? Then I consider in Romans how it says how God loved Jacob but hated Esau and it wills not on man but on God who has mercy.

In Cambridge England suicide was rampant in the church because people thought they were reprobate (someone headed for hell.) At the time Calvanism was the predominant Christian doctrine at the time and that was that God has already chosen who is saved and damned and there’s nothing you can do about it.

This lead people to be driven to religious despair wondering if their one of the elect and filled them with such madness and sorrow that they eventually killed themselves.

Ultimately God knows who will go to hell and who won’t, but I can’t help but think about the poor souls without Christ that are mentally ill yet chances are I was more wicked than they ever were and sinned against great light and they suffer greatly. On the small chance that I am saved why was I shown mercy and not them?

When I consider these things it only makes me hate myself even more, the things I take for granted and my sin against Christ.

My spirit is broke, there’s no amount of medicine I can take to fix that. I’m not fatigued by the Ms anymore but yet another fiery trial comes. I promise that I am not Gods strongest soldier, is my heart made of steel and flesh of diamonds?

I’m grateful for what God has given me truly I am, it’s just that deep in my heart I had other plans. I thought I would be graduated from college right now and be a doctor or something in the medical field, I always wanted to be one and bring the gospel to that field. I just haven’t been in a place where I can mentally go to school and it’s frustrating.

It’s foolish to compare yourself to others, it’s just that when I see others just coasting along in this life doing what they wanted to do with little to no problems I can only look up at heaven and be completely confounded. I don’t have the answers and I don’t think if I had them it would even help me, I just want to be healthy I don’t want to be sad I want steady assurance of salvation and have no scruples. I’m tired of getting hope and then it’s gets snatched right from me or some random trial pops up like a random encounter in an RPG.

God works in mysterious ways truly I tell you, after I got done writing all that this usual customer at my job said that I had a good heart and that she sees Christ in me. It’s always been on my worst days and affliction that He sends a believer to comfort me, the last time it was another brother that suffered from Scrupulosity and I know with all heart it was God both times.

I yearn to see what others see in me, when I consider what I think of myself the thoughts are dark and I see myself as walking in darkness not light. I don’t want a self esteem boost I want to have assurance and contentment in Jesus. I don’t want more grief from relationships. So my lips say I want to die alone but my heart says otherwise.

The Almighty God is my witness that no amount of suffering could make me believe or say that God isn’t kind or good. Even if I be damned to hell I can’t say The Lord wasn’t kind nor good on this side of heaven. My soul remembers all these things and my soul is befit from peace.

My heart is it tatters and I can’t count my tears anymore. I’m grateful for my job and their long suffering with me. They’ve wonderfully worked around my schedule and with me battling MS and eventually finding medicine a lot has happened for me to work there but I know it’s where God wants me, I couldn’t bring myself to get much in the scriptures today.

I’ve just been drowning everything out with video games, I feel the same way either way at this point. Meditation of scripture is needed desperately for the Christian on this side of heaven, God I want to die. Mentally and physically I get deranged, that’s why my room is a shelter for my rage.