Heartfelt

Haven’t blogged in awhile, there’s been so much on my mind I’m still trying to understand myself what’s going on, thankfully God knows and The Holy Ghost intercedes with groaning too deep for words. I know God has called me to speak His Word, I don’t wanna do it, would rather just stay in the background and leave the task to someone else.

For awhile the agony would be so bad when I would try and record videos again I couldn’t even finish and post, pain from the past and recurring memories concerning my sin and blatant hypocrisy and betrayal against The Lord. I’m unworthy to spread the gospel, we all are. I’m sorry about my sin

If I could fly off like a bird and go to a nest in a cave hidden away

I’m waist deep in my pity is Satan trying to trick me? And tell me You won’t forgive me because it’s starting to get me. Though I’m supposedly to my best effort being obedient in my personal estimate (I don’t even judge myself but The Lord does.) I still feel utterly unclean I can only beg The Lord to wash my feet from my sin, I wish I didn’t lust and my foolish heart wouldn’t go after vain things. I’m sorry for having more joy around my lost friends and talking about wordly things than being around the brethren and talking about the gospel.

Nobody said it was easy, in this season of singleness I’m trying to be content in The Lord, I’m so prone to idolatry. I know my soul would cling to a relationship like it was salvation if I was in one. The Lord knows me so well He doesn’t want me to ruin myself nor turn my face from His even good things can become a snare if we let them.

In relationships you can tangibility feel affection and love, I’m seeking to fill a hole that only God can fill. It makes me sad that I would feel more loved by a person than God if I was with someone. I wish I could physically see Jesus, hang out with Him. Talk with Him in person.

I want the unseen to be seen. Last week was my towns football homecoming, truly I stored up these things in my heart like Mary did in the scriptures. It was one of my classmates birthday and we all sung them happy birthday, it put joy in my heart seeing all my classmates again and together. It was like we were kids again.

I also decided Lord-willing that I want to return to college when I’m 30, that gives me about 4 years of preparation. I want to do something in the mental health field, I’m not sure how that looks but I know it’s my calling. It’s ironic because I scored as a doctor on my summary in high school. I pray the Lord gives me wisdom and knowledge to get through my basics.

The verse in Matthew 7 has been bothering me again where He says to those false imposters that did things in His name “depart from me I never knew you. You workers of lawlessness.” I can only beg The Lord that I’m not deceived on that great day, that great terrible day! The day of The Lord. The day that was made for all other days will surely come.

There’s seasons this verse doesn’t have such a sting but I notice when that fear departs from me I go astray from The Lord, slowly and surely my fire goes from hot to lukewarm and even cold. I start slowly building high places and altars and find myself making sacrifices to gods of entertainments. I start to go higher and higher to Lebanon away from Christ that calls me to come down.

It’s that fear, that fear that keeps me. When Bruce Wayne failed to make the jump out the prison when he climbed in The Dark Knight it was because he lost fear of death. The rope that stopped him from plummeting to his death took away his very salvation of escaping namely fear. That fear will find you again. Make the climb without the rope

When he discarded the rope for the second climb to escape the prison he made the jump successfully. Oftentimes when we go astray from The Lord it’s because we’ve lost our fear of Him (namely our reverence and worship.) sin starts to “not be so bad” and holy things become unclean and nonchalant to us. And our minds go astray from a pure and simple devotion to Christ.

I don’t have the answers to any of these things besides trusting God. I’m sure there’s hundreds of things I’m doing wrong but I’m tired of being cautious. So timid and tiptoeing everywhere has gotten old, the righteous should be bold as a lion!

God has given me a lot of talents, as it says in Luke whom much is giving much will be required. And in Matthew 25 the parable of the talents talks about how he gave various talents (some have been given fewer gifts than others and some have received more.) Am I boasting in myself? May it never be.

I view God as this cruel master and I hate it, I have the servants mentality that hid the talent and God cast into hell. He said that he was a “hard man.” Which God is obviously not. As Gill worded: “and went and hid thy talent in the earth—This depicts the conduct of all those who shut up their gifts from the active service of Christ, without actually prostituting them to unworthy uses.”

And The Pulpit commentary says this about the worthless servant that buried his talent. While the faithful servants enter into the joy of the Lord, he is rejected from his presence, expelled from the kingdom of heaven, banished we know not whither. And why? Not for great ill doing, sacrilege, crime, offence against the common laws of God and man; but for neglect, idleness, omission of duty. This is a very fearful thought. Men endeavour to screen themselves from blame by minimizing their talents, ability, opportunities; this parable unveils the flimsiness of this pretence, shows that all have responsibilities, and are answerable for the use they make of the graces and faculties, be they never so small, which they possess. Spiritual indolence is as serious a sin as active wickedness, and meets with similar punishment, Our Lord’s account of the last judgment terribly confirms this truth

These types of people have been given talent (gifts from God.” Yet they don’t use them. Instead of serving the brethren in a congregation they’d rather hide themselves in a cave. And instead of investing they bury the talent He gave them. Omission is just as damning if not more than commission sins. I’d rather try and fail than to never had tried at all and judged. None of us own what we posses in this life, it’s all God’s believer and unbeliever alike.

I’ve learned about myself when I typically fall into sin it’s typically because of unbelief, namely failing to realize that God loves me. I just heard a pastor talk about how it takes faith to look in the mirror and believe that God loves you in spite of all we do.