Romans says:
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28
Now I can choose to believe that or make up my own loopholes for that verse, in my heart I’ve questioned if the only reason I believe is because of how I am, namely my religious obsessions and my fear of God and Hell overtime I believe that was true for the most part but as I continue on and mature I believe my heart is being conformed onto love for God rather than an unhealthy fear.
God in His infinite wisdom made me the way I am for His glory. As of late of question myself, and wondered if I could be reborn without these elements and obsessions what I do it and we formally, I would rather at least say yes I believe my answer would be no now.
In a sense it’s become a part of me in my identity and who I am. I know my identity is in Christ, but these very torments have shaped me into who I am in Christ. I also wouldn’t be able to understand the other Saints who have the same obsessions and what they go through.
On a sidenote, my insurance for my medication ran out so I was without a couple of my meds and I can tell it really affected my sleeping patterns and depression and downward spiral with bipolar once the mania went away and it’s still kind of there but it’s improving slowly
But I found some coupons for the meds I didn’t have anymore, namely, fluvoxamine, and just in a few weeks that I’ve now taken it again I can notice the change. I used to be opposed to medication, but more wisdom now strongly encourage if you have any mental elements or illness that Paul told Timothy to drink some wine for frequent elements we can be safe to say that there’s nothing wrong with taking prescription meds as God has given physicians, wisdom and knowledge to create this medication for us.
another thing I’ve realized is how long I suppressed these feelings in great fears I had about God, as it says, in proverbs men’s words and intentions of his heart, very deep, deep beyond interpretation, and sometimes with groaning too deep that even the person themselves cannot understand.
The fear of judgment growing up had always been there, but through sin in the world, I had numbed myself to how I really felt I was so hardened, and God‘s infinite wisdom he didn’t have anyone evangelize me and trigger the obsessions or me read that Matthew 7 verse where He says depart from Me.
Because I probably would’ve lost my mind from the torment and I wouldn’t be able to bear it so he let me go my own way, and as it talks about an Isaiah says, he didn’t cut me off for his own glory. That’s the only reason that I was spared, but I also cannot take away his great Love he had for me all these years even when I was lost.
I believe it’s been so hard because these obsessions laid dormant for so long, like a beast locked in a cage starving and when I started reading the scriptures for myself it all broke loose. So i would’ve been stuck obsessing and worrying about sin or hell. Or I would serve sin and practice all sorts of licentiousness and lawlessness. I could’ve only served one master and hated the other.
I truly an helpless without Christ, not to long ago in my despair I told God your the only one who can pull me out of this darkness and I was so stubborn because I knew nobody else could give me hope and surely enough He did.
Swapping in and out of mania I’ll be joking and laughing and the next crying throughout the day, but the difference from before is I’m not walking in absolute darkness as the verse in Isaiah says:
“Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.”
Isaiah 50:10 ESV
I’ve failed the test so many times, I’ve grumbled against God in those dark seasons that are now becoming light and in the light I’m walking in now the darkness can’t comprehend it. By the grace of God I didn’t get wrapped up in sexual sin but my thought life was still cursed and filled with licentiousness lewd thoughts and I recall my heart getting so hardened I stopped being convicted about my thought life. Truly I deserved to be struck dead. But as it says somewhere: “when we are faithless He is faithful.” I’ve been faithless in this past season im coming out of, I have been so needy and reliant on God from the get go.
So going forward with the blog I want to do mini Bible studies and what The Lord is teaching me to help others, I also want to get this book published on my journey with scrupulosity and how it’s been. I’ve your reading this I appreciate your time, in the end I am who I am.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 