I’m grateful The Lord gave me this new job, it has been around a year since I’ve been able to work from the psychologist spiritual trauma of the past years. I tried to kill myself twice these past 2 years, sometimes I wish it worked. Other times I don’t. I suppose as of late I wish it did work.
My assurance of salvation has been steady, I haven’t been as tormented with the thought that Jesus will send me to hell everyday. Where I’m at the end of myself is when one obstacle is conquered another shows up. If not fear of Hell and OCD then it’s bouts of despair and depression.
God only knows how much I want to off myself, thinking about all of this makes me sick. I’ve found the meaning of life, that’s to live for Jesus and The Gospel I know what The Word says and the many promises scriptures provide but there’s still this bleak darkness in my soul. I make people laugh to distract myself, I play games to numb the pain.
Why has this gone on since I’ve started to persue Christ? He said He would give us rest but I don’t feel rested, I can’t stop crying I have everything I need and it makes me despise myself more because I feel like this. On top of that daily mourning for the world and knowing that most people I encounter day by day are headed to hell due to their rejection of the messiah.
My own flesh and The Devil will start to make me hurl accusations at God and paint Him out to be evil. I’m trying and praying so much for me not to think this way but I’m just so tired and defeated and angry, why can’t He just save everyone? What about those in detrimental levels of poverty barely scraping by and sometimes don’t even have food that weren’t nowhere as wicked as I was yet they aren’t saved. While I who’s lived in comfort most my life yet was exposed to so much light to the gospel growing up and lived like a profligate and get saved. Why?
And I think about The Jews in the holocaust that underwent such horrific torture and unspeakable torments, but by and large most Jews reject Jesus. What of Ann Frank? And all those poor souls that died in those cursed camps? Did she go to hell? Men are born into trouble but some aren’t as fortunate as others.
Or what about people that have killed themselves and then God sent them to hell for rejecting the Son? I’ve wanted to die since I could remember and it takes one to know how it feels. To get born onto despair and then you find your soul thrown into the hell of fire.
We’re born not seeking God but it’s like an added debuff if you have depression, all the more you’re hardened to the gospel because you have an unbalanced psychological mental makeup (namely mental illness.) So all the more I think of those who weren’t raised in a Christian household yet have mental illness and aren’t saved.
How is it fair? The only thing that stopped me from killing my self growing up was the fear of God and Hell that I always recall having as a child. What about those who haven’t been given this light and mercy? From the beginning I’ve been ill and truly I would be homeless without my family. All the more I mourn for those who’ve been raised in church yet still reject the truth because of religious abuse or controlling oppressive parents trying to convert their children and trying to take the place of The Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 6:4) (Titus 3:5)
And then I think of those who’ve actually become homeless because of their mental illnesses and not having the resources for help. So their condition goes from bad to worse and they are without Jesus and they kill themselves. I accept the kindness of The Lord and His wonderful Love and temporary blessings on this side of eternity.
But I just can’t understand it and reconcile in my mind these things and it truly bothers me to the point if I think about it I feel all the more full of indignation at myself and crying for the lost and angry that people have to be born onto such conditions of the mind.
I know there’s a worldly sorrow and godly sorrow but what I’m saying is without my family and what I have that’s upkeeped my mental state from the moment I was conceived I’d most likely be doomed for eternity because I would rather blow my brains out than to live in this futile world with no hope. Unbelievers have no hope besides temporary earthy comforts, as I was when I was lost though these things could not deliver me from my condition.
I would say the difference between now and then is I have hope now. The suicidal thoughts didn’t go away but actually worsened when I started following Christ. He did say the road to eternal life is a hard one and that’s helped me understand.
I can’t deal with these constant mood swings that feel like deceit. I can’t even tell if I’m experiencing joy or if it’s just mania I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what to do but let God because I can’t keep living like this, I’m too afraid to take my life but I still have the temptation to just pack my things and leave. There’s a higher risk of death if I’m homeless versus not.
At this point I’m digging my grave and making my bed. I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 