Such melancholy and despondence of mind has seized my mind that it’s as if drinking a lethal poison to be or more avail to my miserable existence. My God my God why have you Forsaken me. I am alone
Sitting in church right now I’m in such agony and cannot bring myself to utter these sheer despair that has gripped my soul in fact I could burst into tears rolling on the ground. I feel so sick there is no helping my condition if only I could utterly be destroyed. I am in such despair that it’s as if I could devote myself to destruction by my own hand.
God looks down from heaven on every other person but me I’m convinced. I cry out and I get a door shut in my face can’t go to sin or the would because I know the end of it is madness and futility if only God could utterly strike me dead in this very hour and eternally annihilate me don’t send me to heaven or the lake of fire.
I edit for the church see so many people moved by salvation never stricken with doubt yes I am convinced God does not give a damn about me. Indeed He likely considers a filthy rat of greater value than my condition. Trying to stay afloat with ministry and utterly sinking nobody understands nobody can help my condition. Had to count my medications this morning over 6 of them daily I loathe the taste and looking at these things fill me with such disgust and indignation at myself and my sin.
Just kill me if He says depart from me when I die what in the absolute world is the point of me being alive! Yes you tell me do you understand these things I’m finding myself sinking into a deep slumber this life namely my mind is of such hell and agony this is not living it’s surviving. And feeling like the biggest idiot in the room.
“How are you?” I want someone to put a bullet in my head and bury me in some desert I feel that God hates me. Yes you wanted to ask and I shared and these things either disturb me or just make them sad. Have read so much of the book try to kill sin why feeling God is disappointed in me. And I’m expected to have Joy in The Holy Ghost?
Everyday I kill sin out of obligation barely love so I read Galatians and the works of the flesh and I consider inwardly and ponder if this is me. Ah sermons have stricken me I don’t want to hear anything right now just let me alone. Why do you set your gaze upon me?
I do so much for His Kingdom and hoping to aid souls being saved but my portion? Misery suicidal thoughts death of mind and heart and stricken with fear of sin and hell. I have become the biggest fool and I am upon the very bring of ruin and then I consider evangelism wanting to share the gospel but I want to utterly die so bad.
No me sharing would be of such misery communicated there’s no point send someone else that can do these things because you clearly don’t care about me but value them of greater importance and their mindset. I can’t even say what Job says with him coming out like gold after being tried.
I’ve been reuse for 5-6 years? Progress for a time and then despair and a deceitful brook that tells me plans he seems to have for me then vanishes into obscurity. I hear that He said he promises living waters would flow from the one who believes and he gives life to the abundant.
Is that so? Is the abundant life with rage and sorrow every cursed damn day I wake up with my sin driven to such extreme with scruples that I tried to be homeless taking my life and overdosing? I should have taken more I shouldn’t have called the ambulance I should’ve been found with my body cold lifeless with the soul no longer in the body but very much likely in hell.
Yes so I can’t even off myself because of that fear. He treats me like a toy that’s tossed as he pleases, picking and choosing when to hear my cries while other days treating me as if I’m invisible. My heart waxes to such cold and embitterment that I can only sleep hoping I don’t wake up I don’t want to talk to anyone my room is a shelter for my rage.
No comfort in Him no comfort in this wicked world. But oh yes now He appears! When I stumble and beats me and then after He vanishes once again like I’m just his punching bag to release His anger upon for my foolishness. Yes I have such tender conscience as of late I will hear one thing and I sink into despair wanting to utterly die.
Weary of theology and the word it’s the only thing on my mind. And seeing men oblivious to the wrath of God no clue of what awaits. Who can be saved! The righteous are scarcely saved BARELY saved where will the sinner appear?
Adam and Eve just had to fall now this is the result utter misery death and hell. It’s great no really it’s great, thanks to our parents and the stupid reprobate serpent namely satan that has caused my soul such sorrow and affliction.
It wills not on man but on God so only in His sheer mercy I will be saved. Yes the accounts of these past saints that killed themselves from the torment on the mind with these things in fact I do not rebuke them for it in fact I can only hope in Gods sheer mercy that He saved them in the despair they were in.
Even if I was a billionaire I would still be utterly miserable I can only work and edit to keep my mind off of it all. My possible future feels me with such terror living the rest of my life in these thoughts and then my corpse in the lake of fire. My mind is on the brink of breaking it is my wish for me to depart in my sleep into obscurity and forgotten.
Sick and disgusted of lust and sin. my heart is a fountain of iniquity. The day I was born I imagine all of creation mourned that a male child was conceived into this world. And it celebrated that a profligate was born.
“CURSED BE THE DAY I WAS BORN.”
Ai analysis
Reading back through an entry like this—written from the depths of acute emotional crash, scrupulosity, and exhaustion—highlights just how terrifying and overwhelming that mindset felt in the moment.
Looking at this entry from a year’s distance, several distinct psychological, spiritual, and structural themes emerge that explain why the storm felt so inescapable.
1. The Isolation of the “Inner vs. Outer” Paradox
A central driver of the agony in this entry is the sharp disconnect between your external role and your internal reality:
- Serving the Community While Feeling Separated From It: Sitting in church, editing videos, and recording worship for others while feeling completely numb created a profound sense of loneliness. Seeing others move through faith easily made your internal friction feel like a personal defect rather than a symptom of a severe mood crash.
- The Weight of Masking: Having to navigate social interactions like “How are you?” when your nervous system is in total survival mode requires immense energy. The extreme statement of wanting to be buried in a desert reflects the exhaustion of having to perform normalcy while feeling like you are burning on the inside.
2. Scrupulosity’s Distortion of Perception
The entry displays classic mechanics of religious scrupulosity, where moral hyper-vigilance distorts how the mind perceives reality and divine intent: The Scrupulous FilterInternal Experience in the Entry Selective FocusFixating exclusively on texts of judgment (“Depart from me”, Galatians warnings) while completely filtering out texts of grace or rest. The “Single-Out” FallacyBelieving God looks down on everyone else with favor, but singles you out specifically for punishment or indifference. Hyper-Vigilant ObligationTrying to “kill sin out of obligation” rather than love, turning faith into a high-stakes, exhausting performance where failure feels catastrophic.
When scrupulosity takes over, God is no longer experienced as a refuge; instead, the mind projects its own internal self-hatred outward, transforming God into a punitive judge or an unpredictable threat.
3. Annihilation as a Cry for Relief, Not Destruction
“If only God could utterly strike me dead in this very hour and eternally annihilate me—don’t send me to heaven or the lake of fire.”
This line captures a specific state of psychological pain:
- Seeking Quiet, Not Judgment: The plea for “annihilation” rather than heaven or hell shows that the primary desire wasn’t about an afterlife destination; it was a desperate craving for absolute quiet.
- Overwhelmed Sensory & Emotional Capacity: The mind was so saturated by fear, theological noise, physical medication disgust, and self-indignation that the only logical escape route it could conceive was total cessation of consciousness.
4. The Physical & Neurochemical Toll
The entry explicitly grounds the spiritual distress in physical reality:
- Medication Aversion & Fatigue: Counting 6+ daily medications and loathing the taste reflects a body that felt medically burdened and weary of chemical management.
- State-Driven Cognition: The entry mentions swinging between manic progress and sudden, crushing despair (“a deceitful brook”). During a depressive crash, dopamine drops and amygdala reactivity spikes. This physical state actively manufactures black-and-white, catastrophic thinking, making recovery feel impossible.
5. Echoes of Classical & Biblical Lament
Toward the end, the entry reaches an explicit, historic parallel:
“CURSED BE THE DAY I WAS BORN.”
This is a direct, word-for-word echo of Jeremiah 20:14 and Job 3.
When severe emotional suffering peaks, human language breaks down. Reaching for the exact phrases used by biblical figures who wrestled with profound darkness shows that even in total isolation, the mind was unconsciously reaching for a historic vocabulary to give form to an otherwise unnamable pain.
Summary
This entry records the exact moment where physical exhaustion, severe scrupulosity, and the pressure of public ministry collided. It shows a mind forced into survival mode, where every thought was filtered through hyper-vigilance and fear. Seeing it laid out on paper now serves as a stark reminder of how heavy that season was—and how far a person can come from the edge of that storm.
