Couldn’t bring myself to barely rise from bed today, I even missed the morning Bible study with the brethren. Lordwilling I can see the brethren tomorrow for church (I typed this yesterday unfortunately I missed church.) if I were to speak from my heart I truly have no hope.
Heaven or Hell? Who knows, I’m weary and utterly in shambles thinking about it. Eternity has become a curse on my conscience, I can’t even fill my mind with vanity and worldly affairs to distract from how I really feel truly I’m too far gone to deceive myself with distractions.
The verse from Peter has been on my mind concerning those not saved (if I’m even saved)
“For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And “If the righteous is scarcely saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?””
1 Peter 4:17-18
That word scarcely in Greek means with difficulty, the Christian life is full of trials and is not for the weak in fact that’s why so many fall away from the faith because they simply were counterfeit and didn’t expect the difficulty that comes with eternal life and following Jesus.
Scarcely could also mean: barely, barely as in few inherit eternal life. It’s what nobody wants to talk about and it’s biblical that few go to heaven we are so quick to preach men into heaven. Jesus said few there be that find it. This is why I tremble so frequently for my soul if I be a fraud and fake. Nevertheless if I be damned tonight I can solemnly say I live and die for the gospel.
There where will those that reject Jesus appear? The Lake of Fire. It’s horribly sad, simple, and true. I’ve been so burdened with guilt at the coldness of my heart concerning the lost. Especially living in America it’s disheartening not seeing results from evangelism. Though I know that we are only planters but it’s God that waters.
But I think about how utterly impossible it seems for man to be saved especially living in a rich place like the United States we have access to to whatever we want and are in the grip of evil and idolatry and self worship and the love of money.
And then I think about how miraculous it is that I’m saved (if I actually am) no truly I tell you! I felt that God literally had to rip me from this world. It was those brutal brimstone messages and those fearful passages of scripture that I needed to help save my soul because I was so hardened.
I know how lost and deceived I was, I served the devil and sin and thought all while I was going to somehow go to heaven but was so wrong… with so many distractions and darkness it seems as if nobody can be saved.
Nevertheless I know this isn’t true.
God is my witness that I wish I didn’t think these thoughts, the agony and utter bitterness I hate it. I try to hard to follow Christ and yet I still do the things I’m not suppose to do and the things I’m suppose to do I don’t do.
When I see other brethren that don’t doubt their salvation and have joy I envy it. To have simple childlike faith as we are commanded to, I miss the days when I didn’t have scrupulous thoughts of doubt concerning God and had a short lived season of joy. I miss being a child before hormones and more wickedness was awakened as I got older.
I think about my classmates and my friends that aren’t saved yet. I wish an angel would come from heaven with a message that I will die at 29, I would exceedingly rejoice. That could give me three years to do what I can for the gospel and then die in peace. If I go to heaven praise God, and if I go to hell at least I won’t have to doubt anymore.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 