Power

Truly I tell you I want to give it all to Christ and His Kingdom, I grind my teeth and try so hard. I don’t want intellectual knowledge of the gospel but to have companionship with Christ. I don’t know what to do, I know my life isn’t my own and anything I’ve been given isn’t mine and never will be.

I can’t get out of my mind how many people are headed to hell. What else matters than to take souls with you? I’m grieved that so many professing believers seem to not get it, those who die without faith in The Lord Jesus Christ will spend an eternity in the lake of fire and will be tormented day and night. Is there any urgency for the day of judgement.

If I’m not actively utilizing my gifts for the kingdom I am convicted because if I could be a tool to save even one soul I’m glad to do it, I’m in circumstances where I have alot of time. With having the MS I’m not in a place where I can work full time (although I truly yearn to and I’m frustrated like I can’t) I have so much free time and my life is not my own.

I will gladly toil for the gospel even if it causes mental anguish, as depressing as it is giving sermons I will do it until I’m dead. As discouraging and hard evangelism is I will do it until I’m dead. Souls must know Christ! I saw a scroll that contained: “Lamentation Mourning and Woe.”

I ate it and it made my stomach hurt and it was awfully bitter. Is there joy in pronouncing the judgments of God? By no means! I fight everyday believing if this gospel applies to me or if I’m just damned. My only cope is to ignore these thoughts and pray, however I yearn for the day I won’t have to suppress these thoughts and I can embrace the Love of Christ.

I see His Love physically everyday, every time I wake up or take a bite of food it’s physical proof to His love. Every gift comes from above, however I don’t just want just His blessings I want His covenant Love as a child of God.

If an angel from heaven would tell me to give up everything and become homeless and then these doubts and thoughts would leave me how I would do it in a heartbeat! I don’t want to compile more books and knowledge and hear about these godly men used by God that spoke about having power on High.