Last night and today is where my soul feels vacant, Christs seems to be distant yet His Word says He’s always near. I mourn over the fact that I seem to have all the right things to say yet there’s apart of me that struggles to believe it myself and I’m left feeling like a fool. I asked The Lord if he took my life early and it lead to my lost family and friends being saved I would happily allow Him. I could wish I was accursed on their behalf for them to be saved.
When I gave a message to the special needs adult facility a few days ago when I was talking about how Jesus lives inside us one of the members there stopped me and said: he lives inside you too!” I stood dazed and astonished, does He truly? It put a heartfelt smile in my face.
The Lord will send these reminders and encouragements through people that I so need, He knows I’m just like doubting Thomas, if The Lord stood before me in the flesh I probably would still doubt. He knows my heart needs these refreshments.
I’ve found gospel tracts at my job inside shopping carts on days I was downcast, and God supernaturally sent believers to comfort me out of nowhere. I cannot fail to mention a beloved brother Daemon he sent that deals with scrupulosity as well. I asked for a sign if God was TRULY listening to me. And through my adulterous unfaithful prayer He sent someone at my job.
Does God truly care for me? Did He go to the cross on my behalf? Someone like me? I don’t understand my actions nor my thoughts, I’m confused but at the same time have clarity. Blind but can also see I can’t help but speak about Him and His Word, though my faith be the source of my agony I can’t let Him go nor deny what I’ve seen.
I’ve been so burdened by wanting to always do something for The Lord, eternity has been so pressed upon my conscious that if I’m not actively doing something for The Lord more souls will be lost (it’s not me that does the saving but being an instrument for Him.) I can’t get eternity out my mind, the soul lives on forever in heaven or hell it’s a plain and stark truth.
I have the Martha mentality, burdened with work for ministry and the kingdom but forget and neglect sitting at Christs feeling thinking I can do it in my own might.
Oh how I don’t want anyone be damned! No matter what you’ve done there’s forgiveness in Jesus. I’ve been asking The Lord to delay His coming, on that day that dreadful day where all accounts will be settled and judged. My judgment day, makes me shutter. Yes I am afraid.
Perfect Love casts out fear, I haven’t obtained that assurance of salvation it comes and goes and my heart is tossed two and fro concerning it. However The Lord has been changing my heart slowly, I’ve been such a legalist I’ve been in the position as a slave that obeys out of fear not love like a child of God. And so The Holy Spirit has been unwinding and undoing this cycle.
I’ve talked about it on my last post but I’ve been mesmerized by these godly account of men used by God that suffered from the horrors of scrupulosity and feeling condemned and rejected by God and stricken from other health issues. Though they are long gone their sufferings give me hope that in the end they kept the faith and by the looks of some accounts they never got full deliverance from a condemnatory conscience.
My heart is in shambles and inwardly I feel confused but I know that Christ is unchanging and when my heart condemns me His Grace is sufficient.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 