It only gets worse, I’m not done with Christ but I’m done with me. I think I’m improving and then another trial comes with despair of salvation. Feeling condemned because I don’t want to open up the Bible, so vanity and worldly things full my mind. If I read or not I feel condemned either way so what does it profit me?
It’s the holiday and it’s suppose to be a time of celebration and for me it’s a cloud of darkness that won’t lift. My only escape is sleep, I’m horrified to take my own life. And when I consider death I imagine myself on my death bed if I do get sick screaming from the fear of what awaits me if I feel damned.
The case of Francesco Spiera comes to mind, that poor soul had no comfort day nor night concerning his salvation and it drove him mad to the point where he could only lay in bed and was skin and bones from starvation before he passed. Hell is the only thing in my vision and I have no peace, like the wicked I have no rest.
I recall when I was married how much weight I lost, food had become loathsome to eat, I was terror stricken and it made me have a poor appetite and thought I would be a glutton if I ate too much. Also listening to brimstone Calvinistic preachers didn’t help, though I’m not blaming them. However those types of sermons cannot be listened to day in and day out like I was, it’ll make the sensitive soul feel condemned.
I’m embittered and full of rage that this has been going on for over 5 cursed years. Jesus said He would give rest for the soul and I feel I haven’t received that it’s all I ask for is rest from this. I feel condemned for gaming so much besides work it’s the only thing that can keep my mind of these horrors of mind and my conscience that accuses me day and night.
When I start reading the words of Jesus it’s like PTSD just strikes me. I’ll think of the depart from me verse or the parable of the 10 virgins wondering if I’ll be ready or He will say I don’t know you like He said to the 5 foolish virgins. I recall these things and they fill me with tears, I don’t want pity I want release from this, I’m writing these things for the other lonely souls that experience the awful onslaught of the attack of OCD.
I also recall a video a person made that suffered from religious OCD when they were a child and they eventually left the faith because of it, I’m grieved in my heart upon hearing it and can only ask God why? I received grace and they didn’t, I know apart from His grace I would’ve done the same thing.
When I see comforting passages of scripture like when our heart condemns us God is greater than our hearts or in Roman’s where it says nothing can separate us from the love of God, verses counteract that where it says: “It wills not on man but on God has mercy.” And my Hope gets shot down, I’m weary of the loopholes.
I’m either to be damned, mentally ill, or Satan is attacking me day and night. I’m not dead but it feels like I’m in the grave already. I’m tryna find my way to the peace inside, until I’m home.
I suppose in a way I can share in the sufferings of Christ, His agony knowing He would be forsaken by His Father on the Cross and crushed under His wrath was worse than any sinner in hell will suffer
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 