I Recently got diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) (an autoimmune disease that eats away at the protective nerves and causes nerve damage.) Truly I cannot thank Jesus enough for it being caught early and to give me answers to why I’m so tired all the time/ fatigued.
The doctor started me on medication to help with the fatigue and it’s been working and I thank The Lord for answers at last, I sleep around 10-12 hours and still will wake up tired. A common symptom of MS is the fatigue and this explains everything. My doctor prescribed me meds for it and I actually feel normal for once. I also am going to get monthly injections for the MS starting now.
I find myself being more manic now since I have energy and feel normal for once, MS can cause you to lose eyesight and your ability to walk if left untreated so the fact that it was caught early in my case is an example of the sheer mercy and grace of God, a few days ago was one of the darkest days I had in a long time at work. As Paul said
‘For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ‘ 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
It all started when I picked up the fatigue meds from the pharmacy for the first time and I took the pill and felt nothing for a few hours and I was filled with rage wondering why it’s not working because I was at the end of myself and just wanting to function like a normal person in the faith. I had gotten my hopes us for this pill and was banking everything on it and when it wasn’t working as I thought I just lost it.
I was at work and everything just hit me that has been pint up the last few months, and at my best estimate suppressing this whole time. My sin, the fatigue, doubt of salvation, questioning God, Obsessive thoughts concerning Scripture & That verse from Matthew 7 where He says Depart From Me I Never Knew You along with dying to the flesh concerning lust especially and burning with passion I was enraged and embittered.
I had enough, I was at work and my heart started to rage against The Lord. Unbelievers hate you and malign your name and why are they in good health? They pursue vain dreams and their own gods, I just want to be healed so I can serve you more yet here your servant is always tired and barely able to work as is, you have given the wicked wife’s have you not?
And Lord why am I so evil? Surely I am headed for hell and then the thought of abortion came to my mind, The Lord Hates hands that shed innocent blood So yes I do to, I hate what the wicked do with upmost hatred! Millions of babies slaughtered every year, but though I know that, I thought somewhere deep within my heart I may have wanted those abortions to happen. They never have to be brought into this wicked world and they go to be with God in Heaven, as Solomon said:
‘If a man fathers a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with life’s good things, and he also has no burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. For it comes in vanity and goes in darkness, and in darkness its name is covered. Moreover, it has not seen the sun or known anything, yet it finds rest rather than he. -Ecclesiastes 6:3-5 and why have children on the off chance of them being lost?
They don’t have to be born into this world and have the chance of going to hell as they grow into adults. I also think of the countries where Islam and other false religions are practiced and 3rd world countries with dying starving children that eventually die, they won’t be brought up into their environment. Why be born if you are brought up in a place that worships a false god and be converted into a society that worships a false god that leads to damnation and rejecting Christ? Surely these thoughts can’t be of someone born again can they? If I was lost there would be no one to blame only myself and decisions I made, sometimes I’m one to talk and with nothing to say, I guess today was the same as today.
And how come other believers aren’t afflicted with these kinds of thoughts? They aren’t tormented by thoughts of hell nor afflicted, they found wife’s easily and without trouble it seems like and prosper, they are able-bodied and have good health. I am 26 now suppose to be in my prime of life but I am sick and weary all my days it seems like, this is the age people are starting their careers and are finishing college though when I tried college I had to withdraw because of health reasons. So I feel like a failure, though I know eternal life and to be known by Christ is winning and none of His people are better than another. I find my foolish heart comparing to earthly standards.
Am I headed for hell? I am afraid once again, and then I remember your Word says You have Mercy on who you have mercy on. And it wills not on man but on God who has mercy. Why was I granted mercy and not others? So in pain and bitterness at my job I asked God: “If you really are there and see me send someone.” Shortly after the meds started kicking in and the fatigue fell off me like pauls scales on his eyes did when he was blinded by The Glory of Christ
And shortly after I ran into a man that had religious OCD like me and He was a middle age, older, and much wiser believer than me and he comforted me. And then I remembered How it says the hidden things belong to The Lord, and how it says to not lean on your own understanding, in my mind continually I feel that God is angry with me and that He’s ready to destroy me the moment I go astray and sin, this mindset had me to my wits end and unbelief creeped into my mind. Does He truly Love me? Have I been saved from The Wrath of God? I thought: “Lord If I do go to Hell, I just ask that you protect me there.”
And then I remembered His Works of old about 2 years ago how when I tried to put myself in harms way and left home under the pretense of being homeless when in actuality I was leaving to die and had ran out of options and felt forsaken by The Lord, no amount of reading and praying comforted my miserable state, I started walking in the middle of nowhere and two men in a truck with a gun inside started following me and Lord know’s if they would’ve tried to stop me in the mental place I was in who knows what could’ve happened.
I remembered how though in my rage and unbelief I did not get a sharp rebuke by Christ nor did He destroy me though I deserved it, I know that a perverse generation asks for a sign of belief which is actually a sign of unbelief. Though I knew this and still asked for a sign He sent that brother to comfort me and confide in Him. Who am I to put the Lord to the test? My heart was then grieved, a thought: “I never changed it was you that changed.” Christ never changes but we do.
I realized I was a mere beast before God, I questioned His ways in unbelief and accused Him though He is never wrong. I remembered how He has continually held my Hand in all the trials, even when I felt nothing. He delivered me from persecution and lies men told against me, He gave me a job that works around my schedule with my mental ailments and having MS. I have Godly Parents and I remembered the brethren from church and their love and warm welcomes, I remembered the kindness of The Lord and how I have never starved a day in my life.
Concerning abortion yes it is awful and wicked and not within the will of God, concerning the children that are starving and the calamity’s of the world this is result of the fall in the garden when sin entered The World. I saw that I was envying the wicked like the Psalmist Asaph in Psalms Chapter 73 I wondered why they have it so easy and they have insurmountable blessings from God. And then I remembered how the gate to life is narrow and hard and the road to Eternal Damnation is wide and easy.
Surely you have set them over slippery places, they fall into destruction in an instant, they cannot take anything you gave them in this life. Their god was their belly, they took more joy in wine and family than in you. There is no rest for the wicked, how we ought to love the lost and bring them The Gospel of Christ that saves them from the coming wrath, concerning a wife it’s not time. Concerning temptation and sin and especially lust? He won’t let us be tempted beyond what we can bear.
Your Word was hidden before my eyes for a few hours, I was like a raging animal. Surely I was like a beast before you! My mind ran wild in unbelief and I started accusing you and questioning every matter under heaven.
Concerning other believers, I need to mind my own affairs and instead of comparing and coveting my neighbor be content and blessed with what I have and know that in Christ He is my Shepherd and I shall not want, Selah. Im blessed to not feel so tired anymore thanks to the meds, I wanna work more hours so I can help the brethren and those in need.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 