Prayer for departure another year of birth

Have… A bone marrow. Biopsy tomorrow. They found elevated white blood cells. So they’re making sure that it’s not leukemia. Basically blood cancer which it can be many other things I’ve researched. I turned 28 today. Grateful. that I have people in my life that can even wish me a good happy birthday. Thought about trying to overdose again. But I’m too afraid.

Can’t bring myself to do it. I’m past the point of thinking if it’s right or wrong. At this hour, in the evening. I can only hope that the results come back. Not good. Either… let it be advanced. Just whatever it is. to make me somehow die faster.

Because I’m tired of this. Past the point of feeling. Past the point of love. I’m over it. Don’t even know if I’m saved or not. But then again, if I did destroy myself, I am being judged as a sinner, of course. Which, Adams sin committed, now it’s on me. So that’s great news.

Most people headed to the Lake of Fire. The gospel has become bad news for me. Because most people don’t go to heaven, unfortunately. Is there even a point in sharing the gospel? You’re expected to persevere when you get a God that shuts the door in your face every day. What point is there to go to fellowship?

I’m past the point of asking God to heal me. It’s not in his will. Six years of torture. I’m over it. How he’s rage baited me different times. Various circumstances giving me hope, and that it’s taken away. It’s better off to just die alone.

I hate my life. Namely, not what I’ve been given. But the core being of who I am… Can God just let me depart this world already? I’ve had it. I’m at the end of the road. So things either get better. Or they don’t. But I’m not going to continue living like this for years to come. I’d rather. Be in the grave. Than to undergo this mental crucifixion, I’m over it.

I ended up going to church after writing this, the body of Christ was a comfort.