Deceitful Heart

I’ve been praying earnestly that my heart doesn’t harden, though I know it’s satan lying to me and my own wicked heart I’ve been imagining God as this evil God who is ready to throw his creation into hell. Or wondering why the fall every happened and why let humanity continue if there were going to be billions of people in the lake of fire.

Along with other thoughts that keep filling my head, all of these we grieves me, I try to replace these thoughts but they return. I just see Him as this angry God, though the verses about mercy and grace and there the verses about His wrath return and leave me double minded doubting. Along with that sermons seem to make things worse

I use to love hearing the word of God and now I rarely want to hear it because it just gives me ptsd, an example is a sermon I heard on self examination like the verse in Corinthians talking about examination “lest ye be reprobates.” What if I am? Have I examined myself enough? How can I know?

So I can’t even tell what spiritual state I’m in, I can only wish there was an intermediate place for me to go not heaven or hell but let my soul cease to exist so I can hide from God. Why did I have to be born this way? My escape is sleep truly I tell you if I didn’t have family I would be in rags on the side of the street.

I can’t work a regular job with the perpetual fear of God. I salute the great patriarchs like John Bunyan and Martin Luther who had families and kept going, I’m fearful to get married because of the sorrow this would bring in my relationship though I don’t want to die alone.

Though it feels I’ve been “saved” for a long time in reality it hasn’t been that long so I can also attribute these thoughts to immaturity and not understanding Gods love which I clearly don’t. But how much longer if so? I don’t want to imagine dying or violent thoughts about myself but it’s hard to not thing so.

I don’t want to turn apostate and leave Christ, but I know how deceitful my heart is. I can only pray I’m actually sealed with The Holy Spirit to not deal treacherously with God I know every good gift comes from God, but these other fiery darts just attack any good thoughts I think about Christ.