Self Hate.

It’s always been easy to look for the best in others and the worst in myself. It hasn’t changed much over the years, my coping method is to simply not think about myself. I wouldn’t even call it coping but simply suppressing, in a way I don’t want to be me yet I don’t want be anyone else.

It’s hard for me to see the “good” in me when the only good is from God so I try to not think about these things, I use to not understand why people cut themselves but I get it now. I haven’t before but I had the thought to do recently, your seeking a release and the pain to go somewhere. Namely redirecting it at yourself because you don’t know where else to put it.

When I came to know the gospel I saw that I stood condemned as a sinner before a Holy God. It seemed as if salvation was available to anyone but me, I would write myself off like a check.

So then I loathed my life for remembering my sin and rebellion against God, the way I think about myself I know is unnatural and I suppose mental health can have a play in that. It’s sad but me imagining God loving me makes me cringe, I see an angry God who isn’t well pleased with me. And I seek the day I can not have these thoughts about how God sees me.

If I end up in hell there would be no one to blame only myself and decisions I’ve made, who can talk back to God with something to say?

My life flashes before me, all the faces and people I’ve encountered. People that have forgotten me, memories that have been long forgotten that remain with me. My only prayer is that an aroma of Jesus has been left, let me be forgotten when my time is up I don’t want to be remembered. Anything I did was given to me for you.