Anguish of the soul

Job Chapter 7: “Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

When I say: My bed shall comfort me, My couch shall ease my complaint; Then thou scares me with dreams And terrifies me through visions: So that my soul choose strangling, And death rather than these my bones. I loathe my life; I would not live always :Let me alone! For my days are vanity.” (futile fleeting.)

The Scripture is no stranger to lamenting and yearning for death, I believe there’s been an error for believers to assume that being depressed is sin and wanting to die. In the text above our brother Job seeks to die, it is a comfort to know that He is writing inspired by The Holy Spirit to express and lament His pain, we’re called to WEEP with those who WEEP as it says in Romans. Job’s friends did not do this, they were miserable comforters.

Though we should not isolate ourselves I understand why people in the body do. When laments and horrors of conscience are expressed in agony the advice that follows is not always compassionate in the church, it can be met with coldness even, so christians afflicted with mental issues tend to withdraw. There is an anger that builds when you have the same gnawing voices in your head and all of hell screaming at you everyday. In my case with [scruples] in these season’s its hard to even read The Word. Because the very word I read condemns my very soul everyday.

Distraction’s are my only peace at best, doing futile activities to take my mind out this horror. And though I want to share the gospel the attack and adversity that comes brings such discouragement onto my soul that I don’t want to say anything. What more do I have to say to you friend if you aren’t saved? When you die you will be engulfed in the fiery hell below you for all eternity. God is paying you in wages, eternal life or death.

Though I know these things a voice: “He will say to you He never knew you.” “What of your hidden sin?” “Though they hear the gospel through you, your just a vessel of wrath being used to spread The Gospel in the end you’ll be cursed into Hell.” Everyday everyday everyday, I am weary of acting like everything is okay, enough! It is my request to be dead, If I think about God I am afraid if I think about myself I am reminded of the absolute hatred I have for my very being.

Self Love isn’t the answer we do that good enough in fact. My very existence I am weary of. Battling the flesh everyday resisting a burning passions of sin that never wears out but grows more corrupt.

If only I could have heard God say that He hates me audibly and knew it was Him I could have hated myself even more, fallen into all sorts of sin and villainy and live the life of a reprobate and been under God’s curse.

I can’t say I share the outlook for: “A long life to look forward to” and why bring children into the world on the chance that they go through such misery? Youth is futile all of it is, though He Kill ME I trust in Him.