Ailments that helped lead to Salvation

Romans says: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭ Now I can choose to believe that or make up my own loopholes for that verse, in my heart I’ve questioned if the only […]

The Razor Guarding my Heel is nothing compared to the One on my Heart

Cut myself yesterday, the tears hurt me more than the cuts. I suppose because I didn’t feel the presence of God one bit, it says He’s near to the Broken Hearted but this comfort is foreign to me as of late. So I wept alone in my car alone on my break at work… I […]

Darkness has become my companion

I’m grateful The Lord gave me this new job, it has been around a year since I’ve been able to work from the psychologist spiritual trauma of the past years. I tried to kill myself twice these past 2 years, sometimes I wish it worked. Other times I don’t. I suppose as of late I […]

Selfish but desirable

Judas Iscariot (the one who betrayed Jesus) has been in hell the past 2,000 years. And that makes me tremble and grieves my heart. He was called “A SON OF DESTRUCTION” and he was a thief and though he followed Jesus He didn’t actually believe in Him. After trading him for 30 pieces of silver […]

No hope.

The last couple of days I’ve barely been able to get out of bed. I can’t even sleep since I am terrified with lewd nightmares, when I’m awake I want to die. If I had 100% assurance if I could kill myself and still go to heaven I would do it, I’m sick of reading […]

Waiting For The End

When I was in Jr.High I was playing tap tap revenge in my moms car and there was a song called “WAITING FOR THE END.” By Lincoln Park (I don’t recall if I knew about the band.) I played that song on that app everyday I for some reason felt the pain in the song, […]

The high and the painful sunset

There’s many misconceptions about bipolar, if someone suddenly changes moods that’s typically not always the main symptom. It’s highs and lows I liken the “HIGH” to a strong sense of euphoria (rush of happiness and joy.) I tend to get this high and rush around afternoon and evening, it feels good (they call that mania) […]

Anguish of the soul

Job Chapter 7: “Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. When I say: My bed shall comfort me, My couch shall ease my complaint; Then thou scares me with dreams And terrifies me through visions: So that […]

Burning Rage

“Jonah was greatly displeased and became furious. He prayed to the Lord, “Please, Lord, isn’t this what I said while I was still in my own country? That’s why I fled toward Tarshish in the first place. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger, abounding in faithful love, and […]

What’s The Point

To have no joy in The Lord, no assurance of heaven, no feelings, bleak dark emptiness though you know sin is wrong you can’t even go to the world! It’s all futility, if God would grant my request to cut me off all would be well.