Rotten

It there was no hell I would utterly destroy myself and blow my head off going further I would go to a secluded place where nobody could find my corpse except a person I hired to be with me to dig a grave and after I’m dead throw me in there and burn the body and bury it, but there is a hell so l can’t off myself and oh Adam’s sins which I didn’t do is attribute to me! Yet I’m being judged as a sinner yes that’s good news knowing that a fiery pit is right below me and there’s a chance that I might end up there. I don’t want to worship God because He fills me with indescribable rage at the sheer incapacity that I cannot understand and I get no DIRECT response to my questions nor direction to this crucifiction of the mind.

I won’t bow down to this world or Satan because it’s all a lie and I refuse to worship myself because it’s idolatry and utterly repugnant and gross, and deconstruction is a damning lie also. Dont fit into the world nor the body of Christ so im just an accursed creature and I loathe my existence and I regret being born into this utterly broken world.

Yeah im better off speaking a foreign language to people than to attempt to describe the sheer futility and inward wrestling’s of how I’m feeling and when you finally do you are looked at like you have 3 heads so what the hell is the point? I don’t hate God but I hate the way He operates in obscurity close and far utterly screwing around with my head like I’m a toy you cannot convince me otherwise wise I do not care.