Pure faith and irony intertwined the only thing that stops me from devoting myself to destruction is the fear of damnation. It’s on these nights of the soul if I could do it knowing I can go to heaven I would utterly wipe myself off the face of this forsaken earth.
A world full of misery and pain so many people kill themselves and I can’t blame them and those who curse those that do it’s because you know nothing of the sheer torture of it. If only you could learn wisdom and acquire silence to the suffering soul not rebuke.
Dammit I didn’t ask for Adam’s sins to be attributed to me. And according to the scripture what man can complain in the sight of his sin? Man is born estranged from birth and utterly wretched of whom I come from the same stock.
I try and rest and you send me dreams to terrify me, oh I’m sorry I’m expected to rejoice in my salvation that is sheer torture and hell, I wish I was never born actually to go even further I could have been birthed and discarded left starving and desolate and I would die alone with what I deserve, death.
I loathe my sheer existence and how broken this world is. The utter pit of evil and hell is right below me, yes I’m expected to lift my hands in worship to The One and True Righteous God who in His mighty power can damn me and I deserve it rightfully so. I don’t want heaven or hell just make me cease to exist.
But biblically and according to the truth not the damning demonic lie of post modernism this isn’t possible you are born then end up at one or two places forever heaven or hell.
Recalling this I cannot utter the sheer indignation of how futile life seems with such an utterly terrible existential reality. God is my witness if I didn’t have MS and all of this I would go overseas to where the gospel has not been heard, oversaturated soil here. Jesus is a past time talk the peoples ears and eyes have grown dull, keep learning and not understanding.
Namely talking about the lukewarm they speak just enough “Christian” to identify with the church but is also good at playing the hypocrite fitting into the world as well. They have religion but don’t give a damn about Christ they could care two bits about His people and they hate them when they confront them with truth and the word of God and don’t comfort them with damning lies that you can live how you want in your flesh.
The ritual of going to church for two hours then living like a devil the rest of the week. An utter waste and religious futility, yet I say such things when I myself might be damned. So yes I am alone.
I hate who I am and I’m afraid of death I have little to no assurance of my salvation so yes you tell me? What the hell is the point of getting out of bed if I’m to be damned? No condemnation in Christ in romans I’ve heard it all it doesn’t help nor comfort.
If God could only send one of his angels to smite me dead and yes grant my request to utterly end it all and even if I did end up in hell I think that’ll be a relief because I won’t doubt anymore. Now the hard bitter part that my torture will never end.
Dammit it all I never asked for this and nobody understands and there is no comfort. But oh He cares about me? Is that so it took me to try leaving home then try to OD now you wanna act? As if you give a damn you see me as some worthless reprobate profligate you gladly help other Christian’s.
Someone could fall and get up no big deal but no you beat the hell out of me. In your full holy pure wisdom utterly heal me or kill me if so is not the case I want nothing to do with you. Namely not the damning lie of deconstruction but me living as a believer as if I’m an atheist.
Such is the case of God above near and far as He enjoys tormenting me and laughs at it all. I don’t want to wake up tonight. My birth was a tragic mistake and a sin against humanity itself.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 