I can only like in my condition to the body inwardly decomposing I am so tired. The mind is vigilant all day no rest, terror stricken in public from possible lust, I live in perpetual war of the mind just about every waking moment I am alive. It’s not that I want to die. It’s that I just want rest. I don’t know why God won’t help me in these moments. It is 1:19 AM I am alone. There’s nobody to confide in with these thoughts. I can’t even take my life too afraid I can’t destroy myself by self-medicating to convicted I’m in such confusion utterly sick with the thought that I exist

I have been doing such rapid cycling lately with the manic episodes, crying, rage laughter all within a few hours. I’m so traumatized stricken and confused that I have forgotten all the proper medication to take thankfully, I see my medication manager later today God, if only I could die in my sleep until this passes, then be resurrected better yet why can’t I just be healed and normal and I’m even more convinced I will die alone