No hope.

The last couple of days I’ve barely been able to get out of bed. I can’t even sleep since I am terrified with lewd nightmares, when I’m awake I want to die. If I had 100% assurance if I could kill myself and still go to heaven I would do it, I’m sick of reading and not feeling anything, I’m weary of prayer when it feels as if God just has completely turned His Face from me.

So what’s the point? At best I waste my time with vanity, I can’t even go in public without having a meltdown. God why did I have to be conceived, I am surrounded by people who hate you, they have filled their cup with sin they drink sewage everyday, they are at ease their hearts are fat. They have joy.

I’m not even asking for a lot I just want joy and assurance if I had these two things I could flourish but no I can’t seem to have them, I just had to be born to live with this stupid nonsense day in and day out, how am I? I’m awful I’m angry I’m tired, if only I could be dashed into a million pieces. Mental hospitals don’t work, pills only numb me. Everything is infuriating to me and irritating.

It’s all just so damn stupid, I could be out sharing the gospel and doing things but I’m stuck in this hellhole called life. it’s my wish to die and you’d feel the same way if you knew this torture.