Waiting For The End

When I was in Jr.High I was playing tap tap revenge in my moms car and there was a song called “WAITING FOR THE END.” By Lincoln Park (I don’t recall if I knew about the band.) I played that song on that app everyday I for some reason felt the pain in the song, I’ve always enjoyed music.

When I got older I stumbled upon it once again and the flashbacks came down like a bolt in my mind. I had forgotten about the song, when I listened again I now identified with the lyrics. It was a song of sorrow and lament over life, I understood well.

It’s by no means a worship song but it’s a lament of human anguish and sorrow. And the lyrics I could now confide in, especially from the pain in these last years concerning my faith especially.

The lyrics go: “Sitting in an empty room trying to forget the past.” I related to this in the lonely nights of crying and hating myself for my sin, wishing I could forget any of it. Hoping for one day I could function normally and not think about hellfire and me ending up in that place. I have been trying to forget the past for some time now.

The anger of the past because when I was lost I wasn’t afflicted with such things. It’s not as if I wanted to go back to my sin but I just wanted peace of mind, even now I have a heaviness upon my soul that I cannot describe only to a “darkness that can be felt”

Trying to forget the past about it all and my sin, wondering why I was conceived in the first place to be born a sinner in the hands of The Living God. Trying to forget all the pain.

I thought of my time when I separated from my marriage and later divorced and the nights of me laying alone in my room when I went back home to my parents. Trying to forget all that’s happened, though I will say in those days I now knew that if I had to lose all, my only Hope was Christ.

He goes: “this was never meant to last.” I liken this to my days of sweet communion with Christ before the horrors of conscience and the gnawing voices of hell in my head that made me feel condemned. In my head I figured it was too good to be true, to have assurance of salvation and to feel loved by Christ.

And here we are again, darkness and pain. I go in and out of these “moods” there’s a high and rush of joy then a crash comes and it hits hard. If only the high could last and the painful sunset never came. If only there’s was a bread of communion with no interruption.

He continues: “I know what it takes to move on… I know how it feels to lie.” I believe he’s saying he is lying to himself that he’s conjured up a way to move on when in reality he’s lying to himself.

I liken it to how many times I’ve evangelized to people and they receive the word with joy and it even bears fruit. The very words of truth out my mouth are my death, I feel like a liar telling people the gospel wondering if I’m even saved myself.

Though I tell people I’ve found the truth, though I stare at these scriptures for hours it feels I truly don’t know what it takes to move on. All I can rely on is The Grace of God.

He also says: “holding onto what I haven’t got.” I don’t know what Chester was talking about exactly in his mind. But in my case I liken it to the mustard seed of faith I have at this point. Though I feel condemned though it seems futile I’m holding onto the faith I don’t seem to have, to know the truth but not be apart of it. Enough to drive you to your end. What else really matters if one be lost?

The Christian is of all men to be pitied most. When it comes down to it He is all we’ve got as believers, I can’t stress how much the church has done for me, including medical bills and helping me in all this. I truly would be dead or homeless and deranged from the torture. I don’t know how Luther and Bunyan did it apart from The Holy Ghost, from the start I’ve been helpless without God and still am.

“Waiting for The End to come.” I guess Chester is awaiting for the day of his death. Since all of us will die one day since the wages of sin is death, it was not always meant to be this way but death and sin entered the world when our parents fell in the garden of EDEN. I am waiting for the end to come, if it be heaven or hell I do know that I will no longer be doubting. It says in hell they will see the lamb of God and His holy angels though in torment, I suppose if I actually am lost at least I will finally be able to see Christ.

Though I really don’t prefer that, more so than heaven I want to know Christ now a heaven without Jesus is no heaven at all, yearning to see the master of The World and Savior. Many are yearning for the day of death, however to die in your sins without Christ no mental torment compares to the hellfire beneath us for Christ-rejecters. Though I am fool, I say that but I have toyed with death two times now. It’s not that I was in despair over a girl or a house or losing something trivial. Do you know what it’s like feeling as if the Wrath of God is looming over your head?

Nothing else bothers you but that, and scripture spiraling in my head. I yearn for the noise to stop, and the frustrating part is I can’t even take my life. It makes me so angry. I am tired of it. In the case of Job, he was wondering: “WHERE IS GOD?” I can only wish people thought about God more. Though I know chemical imbalances play a role in these thoughts, man yearns for his creator. It says in Ecclesiastes that God has put eternity in Man’s Heart. In the song He says “All I wanna do is trade this life for something new.”

This is a natural human affection for something new, that thing is The Creator though in our wickedness we have filled that hole with money, idols, sexual immorality, greed, lust, and anything else sinful the human condition is a miserable thing without Jesus in your life nothing satisfies. I remember when I was lost seeking that “one thing” to trade it for something new though in my sin I did not see that it was God and not the vain things of this world. The god of this world (satan) had my mind blinded and I chose sin instead of Life in Christ.

“THIS IS NOT THE END THIS IS NOT THE BEGINNING.” this is true to an extent in the present we are in the end or beginning. But Jesus Himself says He is the Alpha and Omega The True Beginning and End. “WHAT WAS LEFT WHEN THE FIRE WAS GONE? I THOUGH IT FELT RIGHT BUT THAT RIGHT WAS WRONG.” I relate to this when I was lost the flame of entertainment always dies out, the laughs with your friends on discord and Playstation dies your phone gets old and then your sitting in your bed EMPTY.

When I came to the truth I would often in frustration of feeling rejected by God go to the world for some comfort (like drowning out my mind with gaming.) to no avail of course because it grew old like always. Thankfully The Holy Spirit has a FIRE that will never go out. ‘IM TRYNA FIGURE OUT WHAT IT’S LIKE MOVING ON.” I am in that current state right now. I don’t even have the answers to all this so I talk about it for the sake of others that deal with the same thing. The great patriarchs in the faith long gone did such as Bunyan and Martin Luther. And people do now but they most likely don’t speak on it and I don’t blame them.

The lead vocalist of Lincoln Park took His life, I don’t know where He went. I can only lean on the grand mercy of God. In these songs you can clearly tell He was lamenting about life and I understand, for those who go through mental issues without Christ there is no hope, if I had not faith nor the fear of God I would’ve taken my life long ago, so I am holding on but whatever thread of faith I have left. I cannot and don’t want to even think about where I stand with God my brain is fried as of now.

Can it be healed of course, my only advice is to trust Him and that is where I am at in this present time.