There’s many misconceptions about bipolar, if someone suddenly changes moods that’s typically not always the main symptom. It’s highs and lows I liken the “HIGH” to a strong sense of euphoria (rush of happiness and joy.)
I tend to get this high and rush around afternoon and evening, it feels good (they call that mania) and before I knew about the condition I thought it was just a “good feeling.” But once I went to the psychiatrist he diagnosed it as “unspecified bipolar” it’s basically not enough to be bipolar 1 or 2 since it doesn’t meet the quota for either.
1 and 2 are more severe (the mania can last for days.) but there is a cost of course with everything. What follows is the lows, the mania and the high dies off and deep bouts of depression hits. (The suicide rate to this with bipolar if heightened for this very reason.)
In my case since it’s so random occurring with the mania I don’t’ know what to expect, my faith is everything to me the life without Jesus is futile your better off to have never been born if you die in your sins because of the hellfire for eternity that awaits your poor soul. The Bible talks about the fruit of The Spirit ( ) and one of those is Joy.
So when the mania kicks in there’s a rush and it seems that Jesus is right there with me, I am a walking tank. Encouraging scripture is rushing through my mind as if it could pour out my veins. And then I slowely feel it dying and my souls starting to sink within me. “Aren’t you being a bit confident in your salvation?” “You had wicked thoughts yesterday.” “This joy you don’t deserve.” And this is the low and despair sets in. There’s nothing you can say to me to bring me out this pit of darkness.
It’s not a sadness that I am not happy or something fleeting and vain like self esteem or “self love” It is the terror I have with The Almighty YAHWEH above me and my judge when I die is Jesus and the though that Has rejected me takes the very life force out my body it seems like. So the thought that if Jesus says to me “I NEVER KNEW YOU DEPART FROM ME YOU WORKER OF LAWLESSNESS.” Fills me with such terror and despair that if death seized upon me I could care less.
I can’t think of anything worse than to believe in The Gospel and every word in The Bible but the very Word of God is the source of agony (though this is not God’s fault.) And to feel rejected by God.
As Paul talked about: “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.” So yes the only hope is The Gospel nothing else matters my friend. And I see if the small chance that my soul be lost and I am thrown into Hell what does it profit me? There is no reason to live if you stand condemed. I marvel how people treat their souls as a toy “Im a good person.” or they judge the murderer on the news as they that need Jesus, not knowing The righteousness of God they seek to establish their own self righteousness.
To this day I still marvel and in anger when I explain to someone the gospel and they seem to be so hardened that they could care less “well if I go to hell I go to hell.” WHAT? Such madness to have such a thought. So when this low comes I don’t know what else to do but sleep, hours of sleeping the sleep of death as the Psalmist talks about. And then I feel further condemned because Jesus Words to The Disciples when they fell asleep saying that they need to pray.
Sleeping from sorrow, and where you would think Joy comes in the morning, no it’s not its a painful sunset. I have been angry enough to die the past weeks, everyday almost this torment seizes upon me, and then when the manic high kicks in I think “is this even JOY from THE HOLY SPIRIT?” Or is it just some euphoric dosage of a chemical imbalance. So I am tossed to and fro doubting God and then a high of mania that in the ends bites me like a poisionous snake and I sink into despair.
When I see the homeless now I want to sometimes just lay there with them and talk to them for hours because no matter their circumstances I get it. In fact right now I would rather be homeless and free from these hellish attacks and thoughts if it meant peace for me. In rage and foolishness I have accused God. All I want is peace, He gives and He takes away if loved ones past it is when He decides, but to be without hope? What can one do?
What I have noticed helps in going around people, my family especially, but when Im spiraling out and the low is bad I want to die and though I can’t take my life I am driven to put myself in harms way that I could die indirectly I suppose. I don’t have a specific remedy at this point it is only GOD substaining me, I talk about these things for the sake of the brethren afflicted with similar things.
Reading Job has helped He had a shared dread and fear of God you could almost say scruples in some of the verses. In short I am tired, I am 25 and could care less. To age continually with these thoughts I would rather die young. It says there is no rest for the wicked which is true, I can only hope that it is not me and I have entered The Rest that Christ promises. It’s not that I am ungrateful for the blessings I have. But they are nothing if I have not Christ as it is the same for you friend, so be it.
If man knows He is spending eternity with His Maker and Has been born from above with a heart of flesh and not stone, nothing can stop him. Why do you think Christians have been persecuted and submitted to evil men to end their life? It’s because of Christ, men don’t die for a lie.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 