“Jonah was greatly displeased and became furious. He prayed to the Lord, “Please, Lord, isn’t this what I said while I was still in my own country? That’s why I fled toward Tarshish in the first place. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger, abounding in faithful love, and one who relents from sending disaster. And now, Lord, take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live.” The Lord asked, “Is it right for you to be angry?””
Jonah 4:1-4
If there’s anything I love about Jonah is his honesty. And you see God’s grace abound for a racist nationalist who wanted gentiles (people who aren’t Jews..) To suffer eternal damnation because He hated them. As you can see in the chapter above this is the result, absolute anger. Angry enough to die, have you been angry enough to die? Or angry enough to where you’ll pass out? I have, and I wanted to make this post about it concerning OCD and Scrupulosity.
I sometimes wonder if my motives are genuine, though I appear calm. It’s as if there’s always a small flame kindling and it increases as time goes on. Intrusive thoughts and scruples seem to have that effect. There was a time I was at Target getting a gift for a foster girl yet in my head was the constant voice “DON’T LUST” over and over and of course Jesus words about lust in Matthew Chapter 5 and gouging out your eye.
So I swiftly maneuvered through the aisles to avoid lusting at any woman since I thought I would. I found the item she wanted and then decided to check out and all the lines were full. And there was nowhere for me to “maneuver” So in rage I threw the doll in a basket and left the store. I can’t even go shopping for a kid in peace!? It’s always something, starting off in 2020 when I didn’t know what OCD or Scruples were, I genuinely thought my thinking was normal for any Christian. Though overtime I started to notice this wasnt the case.
You didn’t have to be on a “sin-hunt” as a Christian and you can raise your hands in worship at church? Amazing I thought everyone dwelled on Matthew 7 if Jesus would say to them: “I never knew you.” and lived in constant fear of Hell. Or of them being a vessel of wrath! How surprised I was. At first it didn’t bother me as much, then overtime it became irritating, then anger, then rage, then absolute bitterness. It began with simple things. It could be a person talking to me about some small relationship problem they’re having or how their drink did not taste right when I was working. There were about 3 conflicting voices in my head.
The first was me thinking how futile and ridiculous this matter the person is so upset over compared to eternity and heaven or hell. And the more distraught I saw them over this one thing they focused on the more angry I got. Ah, your boyfriend is cheating? Leave Him and find Christ and find a God-Fearing man because every other relationship you’ll be in will be pain and misery and never true love. Or concerning something like food or a drink not right in a restaurant. This would drive me to my wits end and I felt I needed to go on an absolute rant to snap them out of such madness.
The next voice in my head would be conviction. I thought and think this is The Holy Spirit to remind me I too was once deceived and following The Devil and headed to Hell before I was saved and I need to put on love, kindness and compassion, then I would feel guilty and condemned. And then I would think: “I don’t even feel saved.” So why and how do I put on love-kindness and mercy when I don’t feel forgiven and every Bible verse under the sun condemning me? So then I would feel like a hypocrite because I myself complained about futile things.
But then another thought: I realized that the main reason I was in such annoyance and anger over small things is because I had no assurance of my salvation! Oh if I had Christ I could lose everything and be fine, but if that’s not the case yes I am annoyed and filled with such bitterness and every little matter. Then I would think: “What if I am being a critical Pharisee?” After All they knew scripture but were condemned to hell as hypocrites. So I then would lose all encouragement I had to read The Word since I would only be adding to my own condemnation. And that made me the most furious, I felt God was being a deceitful brook to me like Jeremiah said. Or “toying with my soul.” As there was no peace for the wicked I figured I was in the same boat.
Me even playing video games came with frustration because I felt condemned of any fun I had!
And the verse in James would come to mind about being a double minded man, and though I would say: “well that’s true” What I really felt to say was: “JAMES HOW DO YOU KNOW?” You must certainly have assurance you are a writer of scripture. But I cannot help but have these thoughts. Yes I have read, prayed, done it all no peace NONE.
I found myself wanting to isolate myself from The Church and people in general more because when I shared my thoughts the advice given was “Just believe.” Ah yes this would throw me in such an array I could throw myself out a window or if I had the strength send a shockwave punch through multiple walls like some anime character. YES I BELIEVE FRIEND. So there was no comfort there, Oh and another thought was the proverb about isolation: Proverbs 18:1 – A man who isolates himself seeks his own desires; he rages against all wise judgment.
Other translations say: Who lives by himself follows his own whim; he is angered by advice of any kind. (JB)
The man who holds aloof seeks every pretext to bare his teeth; he defies all sound judgment. (NEB)
Yes The Word of GOD is true every single bit. But I wonder if this man who “isolated himself” felt like this? After all yes if He didn’t have these thoughts and doubts I would think of him to be foolish to isolate himself. Since He had The LORD, why stand far off friend? So that proverb only added fuel to the fire because what I heard in the countless sermons I heard and books along with people’s advice there was no peace.
I would come to a play where I didn’t even care anymore. Nothing mattered and everything was futile. If I am bound to Hell what’s the point. And why are you so upset about a dead dog when you ought to be worried about your soul? If the person is not saved, all these things frustrated me, and self hatred brewed in my heart. It says in the end times men will be lovers of themselves, no I don’t need to love myself more I do that well enough I need CHRIST to show up! This was an ongoing cycle and still is. Irritation, anger, rage, conviction, more rage, and then emptiness.
I would bring myself to my wits end, if someone were to ask me how I’m feeling I would give full vent and they would think i’m simply nuts or just “overly religious” When the truth is you have arrived to the truth but OCD attacks your very mind day in and day out, and I must not leave The Devil out the picture I am sure he plays a part in this. But then another thought: “they will either give me spiritual advice that I am met with nothing, feeling even MORE rejected by Jesus. Or they will simply have sympathy (I don’t despise that) or they will say not to think like that.” Which would just set me off like a bomb even more. So I walked around mute all day, I didn’t care to eat. I slept to escape the misery to arise to the painful sunset. Night was more of an enemy than a friend since my anxiety would arise in the evening.
However, daytime was a war more than an enemy, since that meant I must live another day like this. Though there are some precious times I cherish in my heart. Such as my baptism and gathering with the brethren before all this manifested further like a consuming fire, but it was bound to happen. Just about nothing bothered me, I wanted to ask myself “Are you made of steel? Because you are as callous as they come ” Few things bothered me because my main focus was if I knew Jesus or not I cannot recall a day in the past 3 years I have not dwelled on hell or been in fear of God. Though I held fast to my integrity so I guess I did have faith and That was The Holy Spirit Sustaining me. And I refused to go apostate or renounce Jesus. I loathed those who made fun of The Master with foolish speculations on TikTok with their pseudo babble-talk trying to sound intellectual when they are spewing lies made up in their own heart. If God would break their teeth I pray they would run to Him.
I still wanted men to be saved. Because in all this mental illness or not I am still a sinner and it’s not an excuse. So I would end up humiliated and then silent, even the gnawing thoughts had no effect on me in those states but it wasn’t peace I felt, it was emptiness. There are two “emptinesses,” idk if that’s even a word… The first is the godless man, The man without Christ has no hope. And it’s a sad reality. The second emptiness is The Christian as Isaiah explains: “Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of His Servant? Who among you walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD; let him lean on his God.” -Isaiah 50:10
The Bible is no stranger to grief and depression. This is a believer who is in a downcast state or a “spiritual drought” Though this is hard I can imagine this person has assurance of their eternal salvation. But they are simply in a rough spot and God seems far though they know He’s there and they trust HIm.
I am going to add the third darkness and the worst that is the Scrupulous Christian. You have no hope in the world nor sin yet no hope in God because you feel rejected by Him, of all men to pity is the Christian because His only hope is Jesus. But for this third victim of darkness they do not trust God since they see Jesus and an enemy not a friend, and an executioner not a savior. And though it says He came to save not condemn the world to hell, this is not a comfort accompanied with these feelings. So I cannot equal any gnawing mental torment to this. I’ve tried to choke myself, leave home and die in the heat in the middle of nowhere to escape this. Youth is vain, I could care less if I have “talents” or supposed “looks” if I am eternally damned it’s all in vain.
So it has been my deepest desire for The True Living God of The Universe YHWH Jesus to please cut me off from existence and somehow don’t send me to hell and save everyone I know lost. This is all the scrupulous Christian thinks about (though it varies from each person.) You get the point, so such emptiness will harden you to any trial because you’ve felt what true despair is. The worst despair are those who will be in Hell who’ve rejected Jesus and have absolutely no hope and no common grace. I believe the second worst despair is the mindset of the OCD Christian.
Absolute madness, I would then start to compare myself to other christians even the smallest things. If someone said they slept well: “I remember sleeping well with none of these thoughts, it must be nice to go to bed without numbing medication.” I would even feel sorrow seeing someone sleep so well with no worries in mind. I desired such peace of my sins forgiven, seeing someone in worship so joyful and calling out to God: “what a wonderful thing.” It came to the point where on some days I was simply sad and happy, for the condition of my soul but so joyful that this person is forgiven their sins and can cry out to a loving God.
Even as a child God felt far away, worship had been the same for me then and now. Me standing awkwardly at a God I doubt acknowledges me and probably hates me and shame over my sin (I had convictions of Hell as a kid one day when I was alone on a hot summer day.) I suppose that played apart and was the first scruple I can remember.
This darkness is such affliction and gloom I can only think of myself not a child of the devil since I hate lawlessness but neither a child of God. I am just me, in the middle.
I refuse to go back to my life of sin, yet when I go to God there is an empty void. If I do any hobby on the days where despair has taken over I am past the point of even being angry. I am simply just done, beyond what people call done, I know Jesus is The Truth and I know I’m not religiously brainwashed, this is THE TRUTH. This is why God fills me with such dread. Concerning the comparison I make to other Christians I likened it to (let the reader understand.) Yuta from Jujustu Kaisen when he was losing it because he was saying how nice it is for his friends to be so strong and talented.
At times I would wonder if I was coveting but I think it was more so the common peace I wanted as a Christian. So being angry enough to die, yes I get Jonah and I believe God knows that my frame and others are mere dust and we are fallen creatures. I don’t have a remedy for this illness. I don’t know anything anymore, it feels like I just don’t know. I can only type these things to give a voice to OCD and by the chance that there is someone in the church who feels like this. I do the things I don’t want to do and the things I want to do I don’t do. Yet I feel lashed and beaten for obeying God, so I am stuck at a crossroad with neither being an entrance.
Though I don’t wish this on any man, I wish humanity cared more about their souls and if they will end up in hell as an enemy of God for rejecting Jesus. Or a friend of HIs in heaven. So if I do end up in The Lake of Fire, I suppose there I will even evangelize and tell people Jesus is The Truth because He is. And you only go to one of these two places. Do not be deceived by this world and friends that try to ease your conscience when God is convicting you of your sinful state, though not everyone has to experience such horror in my ways and others. In His infinite Wisdom He has allowed such and His Word says His grace is Sufficient.
Though I wish myself to be healed or killed by God.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 