Carelessness

I saw research from Karolinska Institute showing that OCD patients are 10 times more likely to commit suicide. As I’ve mentioned before the term ocd is used so loosely that such research can be shocking.

Concerning my life before I was saved when I was around 19-20 I recall my desire was to die before I was 30. I didn’t want to grow old, what awaited me? A spouse? Family? Thinks I couldn’t see myself doing. If life was this bleak I had no desire to bring a child into this world to suffer. These were my deepest thoughts.

Concerning scrupulosity, there was a time I started crying in a breakdown because I wanted to die so bad because I hated living. I was alone in my room, but once again my fear of hell arose in my heart and I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel I would go to heaven if I took my own life. This was before I was saved

So in despair I didn’t want to let my sins go but I didn’t want to go to hell and I slept that night and continued on. When I started finally reading years later I had much joy growing in the knowledge of The Word (though I hadn’t realized it’s not the talking nor knowing man but the “doing” man.)

Suicide had been cast as far as East is from the west in my mind. But from the moment I read the verse in Matthew 7 about Jesus saying: “I never knew you.” That’s when ocd came manifested in my faith. Before this I remembered how I use to go to God’s House of Worship with joy.

I liken it to an illness slowly spreading in the body though you don’t know what it is so you keep quite. I also read how most ocd patients keep silent about their afflictions. Where prior to me having a sense of joy in The Lord that now was slowly turning to dread.

I could go on and on about the different Bible verses in this post that would go off in my head days in and days out or thoughts of hell. But it’s just too much, these things stayed latched onto me.

As my mental started to deteriorate more I then I started seeing myself desiring death more and more. Youth meant nothing to me, it was my wish for God to absolute destroy me off the place of this earth and it still is my hearts desire.

As I talked about in another post I took comfort in prophets that wanted to die so I knew I wasn’t alone. And I know there’s other Christian’s that feel this way. Though it’s not vocalized unfortunately, but yet with such thoughts who would want to?

Starting off I could never picture myself killing myself or dying I knew that suicide was selfish and not only that it’s murder (you are killing a soul that is yourself.) it was no little matter. And I use to think with some integrity about it. Though this was dissipating slowly.

Though as scruples and depression beat my mind down day in and day out I started to lose my mental fortitude. After all whatever fortitude I had was probably fake anyways I had little assurance of my salvation so at best I covered up my pain with Bible reading or studying or serving in church. I never want anyone to go through this.

I eventually started to ask God to take my life if things never got better. My body was taking a tole on my mental state and as the psalmist said: “I am mute; I do not open my mouth, for it is you who have done it.”

I spoke less and less to people because I didn’t have the energy to. “How are you feeling.” “I’m not well and want to die and feel under the Wrath of God and there’s nothing I can do about it.” is what I wanted to tell each person. To explain these things the response will be to pray more or get help, which neither of these worked for me. I read enough to be sick, I prayed and felt nothing. That advice just fueled how angry I was so I was mute.

Even typing these things make me so angry, it makes me sick. And I’m reminded how foolish I am because when I think I’m “feeling better” in reality it’s just a farce, because in joy these thoughts occur. Always having the right things to say but not believing them myself.

No matter how much I slept I was tired, tears were my dinner. The only thing holding me together at the later point in this was Jesus Himself and my marriage (I’m not married anymore now.)

I slowly was starting to find it rational for suicide. I wasn’t thinking clearly and clearly I’m still not because I find it rational now though I know it’s not rational and not what God wants any of His creation to do.

Eventually my last resort was to passively die though I would not directly take my life but decided to indirectly. Though I won’t go into the details about that on this post yet, the last strand being my marriage (after the divorce) since I was “keeping myself alive.” To simply provide as we know whoever does not provide is the lowest of the low. Though this doesn’t make me any better, we’ve just got to fulfill our duties.

I feel if I had never got into a relationship I wouldn’t slipped away and just left everything and been homeless at some point, yet after I was married this was not an option, though I kept the thing in mind. All I can compare it to is you sitting in a dark room of multiple voices gnawing at you in your head and you trying to pick one and figure which one is which.

Is it God or the devil? “You should just die now there’s no point.” “But if I commit suicide I’ll go to hell.” “But how do I know that?” The conversations and reasoning would go on for hours accumulative overtime.

As I’ve entitled this post I had become full of carelessness. As I said it was always there I had just not realized how bad these things were while I was still in a relationship, when I finally got to focus on how I really felt when all was settled I came to the conclusion that I yes I did want to die.

In my heart I know if I had 100% assurance that I could go to heaven I would take my life immediately. Yes it’s wrong yes it’s selfish, but it’s how I feel. Medication numbs you, food becomes loathsome, life itself becomes loathsome. It would’ve been better off if I was never born. Man is born sinning against The Creator of The Universe, I am sorry to be me and I’m sorry for humanity.

But this I will call to mind, that nobody suffered as Jesus did in the garden. Sweating blood as He was to become a sin offering for His People and He would take on the wrath of God. If there’s anyone who knows agony it’s Him.

If there’s anyone who understands our burdens, weakness, mental ailments it’s Him. Though I still can’t feel it I can only believe it. If we’ve hoped in Christ only in this life we are of all men most to be pitied.