It was to my astonishment while reading The Bible that I saw different prophets asked God to take their lives or simply to kill them. Suicide was un-thinkable for a prophet or any believer so a request to have The Almighty cut them off was made. Job, Elijah, and Moses asked God to do this to them. I was not only amazed when I read this but it was comforted because I myself has asked God to kill me many times in the past in a fit of rage and despair.
Being angry enough to die like Jonah said, though selfish and immature I understood how he felt, I love how humanity is shown in The Bible. Simply human nature, these men in The Word of God aren’t perfect. You see human emotions at work not robotic religious worship as some of the world views religion. Fallen men simply worshipping The God Man Jesus The Messiah.
Concerning Scrupulosity, a time I remember for me was on my nightshift when I was working at Kimray Oil and Gas, and I was wondering if I was going to hell if I died, my heart was beating out my chest and I was sweating. I despaired of life itself. I was married at the time and had a great job but these things meant nothing to me, if I be eternally damned what is the point in living?
So I decided to test God (this was wrong though I was desperate.) In the warehouse where I was working there was a giant crate above me carrying parts in it that weighed a few tons, so as a sign I asked God to allow the crate above me to fall on me in the next few seconds if I wasn’t saved. Since all I am doing as a rebellious sinner is storing up wrath for The Day of Judgment like it says in Romans: “But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed.” Rom 2:5 I figured it be better to receive lesser condemnation than more as I had received more light about The Gospel than the next man (Luke 12 talks about who’s given much is required much, there is more punishment awaiting those who will not repent thought they’ve heard The Gospel, versus those who’ve never heard. So I saw that I stood condemned severely if I actually be lost because I had so much light given to me.)
But if I was saved then the crate wouldn’t fall on me as a sign, and obviously the crate did not fall on me and it did not help my unbelief. This is an example of Scrupulosity, the obsession was the fear of the wrath of God and the compulsion was me to ask for a sign of my salvation. Though The compulsion does little to nothing to quell the the obsession. As is the case for OCD
Moses also said under much stress when dealing with the rebellious Israelites acting like mad men: “If this is how You are going to treat me, please kill me right now—if I have found favor in Your eyes—and let me not see my own wretchedness.” Numbers 11:15 I’ve had bouts of absolute rage, wondering why God won’t relieve my pain or help me. Impatience becomes unbelief and unbelief becomes hardness of heart, day in and day.
However God did not rebuke Moses he gave Him counsel, as it says:
“And the Lord said to Moses, Gather for Me seventy men of the elders of Israel whom you know to be the elders of the people and officers over them; and bring them to the Tent of Meeting and let them stand there with you. And I will come down and talk with you there; and I will take of the Spirit which is upon you and will put It upon them; and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not have to bear it yourself alone.”
Numbers 11:16-17
He saw Moses in much distress and gave him men of God to bear the burden with Him, this example of leadership in The Bible is shown how men cannot bear burdens alone.
I kept most of these intrusive thoughts and bouts with OCD to myself, because I figured the advice given would be “you believe right? So why do you doubt?” Or to pray more or something like that. Or it blatantly wouldn’t be understood, so I despaired over ever talking to anyone about something I didn’t even know I had (before I found out about the diagnosis.)
In those days I can testify my only Hope was God, why it had to be this way? I don’t know but I know that Paul said:
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, of our affliction which occurred in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead, who rescued us from so great a danger of death, and will rescue us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us,”
2 Corinthians 1:8-10
That’s the image of OCD I can paint: “The sentence of death.” Actually worse because I actually would’ve enjoyed to receive a sentence to die to be relieved from this mental torment! A worst sentence is to be kept alive with this utter horror of a mental illness. Though it my desperation Jesus was my only hope, truly there was nobody else that could help me.
Though The Church and Family played a huge part I will never forget, the source was Christ. I appreciate God recording these prophets that asked these requests of death, it made me confide in them. Though our requests can be irrational and full of emotion, The God of The Heavens and The Earth has pity on mankind. He remembers we are but dust.
MY STORY OF RELIGIOUS OCD 